as I walk

the journey to becoming me

holy cow

Holy cow.

That’s pretty much all that I can say right now.

School begins on Monday.  Monday.  Monday.  Oh, and it will be a high of -8 that day.  Even though this is everything that I’ve been striving for and thinking about, I’m praying that the school closes due to the frigid weather.  Kelly already has Monday off from work… maybe schools will close too?
I hate admitting that I’m scared, but I am.  I know that once I get in the groove it will feel natural and smooth.  Obviously it will always be challenging, but it will eventually be smoother.
All I can think of is financial aid, figuring out how to get around, how to do school, and how to balance life.
Tonight I bought a couple of the text books… well, rented them… it’s cheap… and the right ISBN numbers.  I still have others that I have to get from the school because they’re custom.  I feel unprepared.  I don’t like being ill prepared.  I like control… and I don’t feel any of it.
I’m sitting here drinking a cup of eggnog on my last week night without any school obligations.  I can’t help but let my mind wander to the fear.  I’m trying to convert the anxiety into excitement, but I think I’m failing… miserably.  I can’t help but think about the desks in the lecture hall… and how I’m too big to fit in them comfortably.  I can’t help but think how intense it will be to add full-time school to my already full-time work schedule.  I can’t help but think about if I’ll have time to keep up with Kelly, church, the nieces, all of it.

Yet, I know this is the right path.  This is where I need to be.  This is what I need to do.  So, I will take a deep breath when I start to panic and continue to move forward.  I’ll try to ask for help when I need it, and I pray I have the wisdom to pull out of superfluous activities to make sure that school is and remains my priority.
Maybe it’s best if school isn’t cancelled, that way I can just get in and do this thing.  Yeah, that’s how I work best – exposure therapy.  My therapist will be proud.  But more importantly, I will be proud.

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