as I walk

the journey to becoming me

The morning I woke up with a man/ Always sleep in a bra

I woke up staring making eye contact with a man.  This is definitely on the list of things that I had never considered happening.  But happen it did.  This man was standing on scaffolding repainting the outside windows of our 2nd floor apartment.  Yes, the blinds were shut, but we have this amazing window that also has these 4 squares above that let in light.  He was eye level with those.
I tried to spend the rest of the day way from windows, but in June without air conditioning, at least one needs to be open.  So I found a corner with the least likely chance of a run in again and waited till they went on break for lunch.  That’s when I decided I could take a shower.
I have no idea why I made it the big deal that I did.  This man was just doing his job.  He might have been just as wigged out by it but couldn’t move because you know – scaffolding and work.
I will say… and this may be far too much information for 98% of you guys…  This is why I always sleep in a bra.
That’s right.  I wake up and it looks like I’m all ready to go for a run or to the gym.   I remember being a little kid and wanting to sleep in at least my play clothes because I wanted to be ready just in case.  For the longest time, I thought I was afraid of fire.  That way I could just grab my cat and run out the door knowing I was dressed.  I think I finally figured out what it is.
Growing up in a religious (legalistic)home and church I was always concerned about the unforgivable sin.  I was worried that I had accidentally committed it, but not knowing what it was, I couldn’t ask for forgiveness to make it all better.  It was a cycle that drove me from extremes of anxiety and judgment to frustration and apathy.
It may not make any theological sense, but in my kid soul, it made it feel better.  I would go to sleep fully clothed.  Even if it was just a matching pair of sweats and socks (had to have the socks to make it work), I was ready for the rapture.  Whether it was taking me (then I wouldn’t be seen immodest in front of my church members) or it left me behind (then I was ready to go out into the forest and start fending for myself and fighting off the other evil people who got left behind).
Here I am, 33 years old, still sleeping in a bra and as fully dressed as possible.  I don’t wear socks to bed because ummm… June.  My theology has changed dramatically, but I still want to be ready.  I think that’s part of what following Jesus is all about.  Being ready.  Being ready to talk to your neighbor when you bump into her.  Being ready to share what you have with someone who has nothing.  Being ready to help someone from move on short notice because they have a parent with failing health.  Being ready to walk or donate to the Hunger Walk in Chicago June 29th.  Being ready to talk about your faith.  Being ready with the good news of Grace and Hope and Mercy and Love and Joy and Life.   Yup.  That’s why I sleep in my bra.

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