as I walk

the journey to becoming me

emerging

I have some uncertainty, not that it matters at all.  It’s just something that I’ve been contemplating the past couple of weeks but have been dwelling on it more and more since last Monday.
I feel like I’ve done some pretty hardcore revelations on my little corner of the blogging world.  I talked about wanting to go to North Korea and fund raised to go.  I’ve talked about only being comfortable in guy’s clothing.  I then came out as a gay chick (the word I know is lesbian… I just don’t dig it).  Then got married (to a chick).  I mentioned my medical issues that started at the beginning of the year and then I chronicled my mental health problems.  Now here’s another revelation.
I am an extrovert.
For the longest time, I thought I was an introvert.  Some people saw me as an extrovert, but I’d just say that was because I was with people I was comfortable with and basically told them they were wrong.  My depression and my anxiety kept me from people.  My fear that they’d see who I was – a gay scared chick who isn’t comfortable in her own skin.  So I retreated.  Most though, would say I was introverted.  I was a home body.  I stayed in my room.  I’d leave to eat or work and then come right back.  I’d attempt to make plans, would cancel frequently, or if I kept them, it would feel like hard work.
I’m learning that now that I’m medicated and properly regulated, I don’t really care what people say about me, I’m happy with who I am.  More importantly, when I’m in Trader Joe’s and I hear a chick talking about the macaroni and cheese balls, I’m gonna go up to her and ask her how good they are because I want good food for myself and my wife.  If I see someone struggling to get her bike inside, I’m going to hold the door open for her, because I would want the same.  When I’m in a bar getting my nails done (I love Chicago), I’ll talk to the tattooed manicurist about church and what she wants out of her life.
Maybe it’s not extroversion, maybe it’s just following the “golden rule”.  Maybe it’s just that I’ve been cooped up inside myself for years with this as my only outlet.  All I know, is I’m really liking talking to people.  I like being able to randomly go up to people and ask them about something.  I like knowing that I have a flier in my pocket for my church because it’s inclusive and awesome and people need to know about it.  I know that I felt rejuvenated by going to a neighborhood fest this weekend.  That would normally have scared me and sent me back into my shell.  I don’t know if I’m changing, or if I’m finally emerging, but this is an exciting process.

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One thought on “emerging

  1. I especially like the phrase “cooped up
    inside myself” – I know that feeling! And,
    I love that you are willing to ask someone at
    Trader Joe’s about the macaroni & cheese
    balls.

    Love,

    LaurA!

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