as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I feel amazing.
Take a moment and let that sit.  Let it simmer in your spirit.  Let that phrase run past all of your synapses and dendrites in your brain.
I feel amazing.
Kelly and I drove to Elgin for the primary purpose of seeing her dog.  As we got closer I got more and more anxious.  I took medication to bring me back to functioning which did the trick.  We ended up having a great time.  We took James (the dog) to a forest preserve and had a decent walk with him, then we gave him a bath and we all cuddled (or attempted to cuddle) together for a bit.  Her parents invited us to stay for dinner and we had a nice time.
That is not cause for my elation.
I drove past my old house on the way home.  That’s not quite accurate.  I drove to the old house on the way home.  I parked the car, got out, smoked a cigarette* while staring at the house.  I was across their driveway and I thought about all the times I’d be sitting outside staring at the house cigarette in one hand whiskey in the other feeling that if that’s what life was all about, that I wanted nothing to do with it.  I looked in the car and saw Kelly’s silhouette and thought “that’s what life is about”.  I stamped out the remainder of my cigarette popped a mint and got in the car.
I think I’ve finally turned the corner.  I no longer fear running into them.  I proved that to myself tonight.  I don’t welcome it, but I know I can handle it.  I know that if/when I do, they will no longer have control over me.  I was foolish to ever relinquish it, but I have it back now.
So, in short, I feel amazing.  I feel the way I can only imagine God designed people to feel.  I no longer feel broken.  I no longer feel defective.  I feel like someone who had a dream of climbing a mountain, but only stared at it for almost two decades.  Then about 3 months ago decided to climb it, and here she is at the top – victorious.
I don’t just feel amazing.  I feel victorious.  I won.


* I smoke tobacco free and nicotine free cigarettes just to take the edge off – helps to clear my head.


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