as I walk

the journey to becoming me

I should know better

I asked Kim, my therapist, what she thought about talking to my parents about everything that’s been going on.  She said that based on past responses of my father, that it would be a good idea to call them.  So I did.  I called him and my step-mother this afternoon.  They explained why they’d been out of touch since all this went down close to two weeks ago.  We talked about my medications and diagnosis.  We talked about other stuff too.  It was a good 15 minute conversation.  I felt so encouraged by that call that I called my mom.  Here’s the thing.  The last time we talked on the phone, it was before I got married.  We’ve texted a few times, but that’s really all the communication.  Kim had warned me that my mom would most likely not have anything good to say.  I did it anyway.
When I finally got to the point in the conversation that I told her about the bi-polar diagnosis and my meds, her first comment was not to go off of my medication on my own or to change the dosing without the doctor’s approval (I knew that already) because of a family friend who committed suicide when he went off his meds.  Again, to reiterate, I already knew that was a stupid move, if not for mental reasons, it’s bad for my liver, kidneys, and who knows what else.  Then, really, gonna bring up my childhood best friend’s dad killing himself again?  Then it got worse.  She talked about her depression.  She said that it got bad towards the end of November after Obama got re-elected and me.  I clarified her statement – “Me?  I made you depressed?”  She responded “Well… not you.” “What Ma?  That I’m gay?”  I asked jokingly.  I mean, what kind of mother says her depression is caused by their child?  She said it was the marriage.  She said she’s just starting to come out of it.  Really?  So, I call her looking to tell her what’s going on with me, and maybe, just maybe get a bit of support from her.  She tells me that I made her go into a severe depression.  Because I got gay married.
Kim was right.  I really need to start heeding her advice.
Not to keep it all sad and down, Brenna has really been awesome.  She’s been loving me in multiple ways and just being awesome.  I don’t really know how I’m gonna handle her being on vacation for over a week.  I love her.  I love my brother (in-law), I love my girls (nieces), I love my wife, I love my therapist, I have lots of love for everyone now, but I’m really struggling to find love for my mother.



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