as I walk

the journey to becoming me

If they were looking over my shoulder

What would happen if one of the program leaders were over my shoulder while I write:

Today was a rough day.  Then again, I kind of have been saying that every day for the past few weeks.  Let me look at the positives.  I fail to do that often.  Woops, that was a negative.  Let’s try that again.  The positives for today – I’m no longer dizzy and sick as I was yesterday.  Ooh, nice try, but I sense some negativity being thrown in there.  Try again.  I seem to have no illnesses.  A little weak, but I’ll let it slide.  Next?  Umm I didn’t cut myself today. Again, that’s a negative spin, let’s have some positive energy.  I used some coping skills when I felt anxious .  Be specific.  Okay, I talked it out with the nurse, my psychiatrist, and a social worker; I tried to distract myself from thinking about the situation that was bothering me.  Uh uh uh – distraction can quickly turn to avoidance, let’s not put that in the positive coping skills category mmmkay?  I called Kelly and told her about it all.  I took a pill.  I did a thought record to try to calm myself down.  Oh, let me see it… Hmm… you put this in the wrong column.  The information is there… but you didn’t do it right.
Look, I know you want to help me.  But really… nit-picking everything that I say does not help me.  All it makes me want to do is clam up and not give this thing a go.  That’s why I write it all out here – because you’re not here.  I’m working through all my crap.  I’m being 100% honest with you.  Maybe that was a mistake.  I went to the program today on less than an hour and a half of sleep despite the fact that I’m on sleep medication.  I’m trying here.  I may not have done the thought record as perfectly as you would have liked.  But guess what?  It still worked.  My anxiety dropped significantly.  I figured it out and dealt with it.  Gaaaah!   Marissa, we’re just here to help.  We’re concerned about you.  You don’t seem to be coping well.  That’s why we’re so on top of you.  To make sure you’re safe.  It’s not fair that Kelly has to work at your recovery also.  It’s not fair that she had to take the responsibility of locking up your tools and the sharp things in the home.  How can you do that to her?  I can see you’re feeling some anxiety, so maybe you should try another thought record, but this time, remember to really factor down the evidences into extremely specific statements without any projections.  Wow, thank you for reminding me what a screw up I am and for bringing up my marriage.  Thank you.  You have outdone yourself.  Fuck you.

These were all actually said at one point the past few days by various professionals at the program.  I know the program does work.  I know I will get better.  I just had a rough day today.  I needed to get it out.  It was that or do something stupid – cut or smoke.  I chose to write.  Here’s to a better night’s sleep and a better tomorrow.  Oh, that’s wonderful positivity and a good choice.  Shut up.

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One thought on “If they were looking over my shoulder

  1. Wow. Such unbearable “”professionals!”
    Nit picking, judgment & condescension is so horrible! I am praying for the workers and for you to be able to sleep! You are a wonderfully expressive writer; I always enjoy your work!

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