as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Kelly

Money’s going to be tight.  Well, it already was tight, but now she’s the only one working.  I’m trying to not feel like a scum bag for bringing this on, it’s hard.  She did just get a raise that goes into effect on Monday, so, that’s going to help tremendously, but until that new check comes, it’s going to be some very meager times.
I want to give her the world.  Instead, all I do is rack up crazy medical bills and go to this day program.  Just when I think maybe I’ll be okay and can go back to work, I wind up getting all stressed out about the absolutely most ridiculous things (ie: the floor needs to be swept – reaction: weep; or I can’t find my brown belt – reaction: think about cutting but decide smoking is actually healthier; or get asked by my doctor (again) if I want to go in-patient – reaction: cut my arm with a screwdriver).  So yeah, I’m not good enough to go to work.  I’m still avoiding a ringing phone – my full-time job is basically answering a ringing phone.  So, instead, we’re going to hemorrhage money until I can be okay again.
Even though I feel terrible, like I’ve sucked her into all of this… almost like a bait and switch… she tells me repeatedly that she loves me and no matter what will not leave me.  She doesn’t give me a hard time about not working.  She doesn’t do anything other than support me.
I now get home before she does and I try to pick up the apartment some, but that’s about all that I can do with my current energy level.  She’ll come home and make dinner and serve me and take care of me.  I’m not used to that.  I’m not used to that sacrificial love.  She’s sacrificing and I’m just taking.  Again, trying not to feel like a schmuck.
I guess all this to say, that I’m thankful for Kelly.  I’m thankful that she loves me enough to make sure I go to the program.  I’m thankful that she loves me.  Period.  I love her.  I love her more than I have the ability or words to show for now.  But, when I’m better, when this depression, anxiety, and self harm are gone, I will have the words, I will have the energy, and I will be able to show her and you how much I love and respect her.

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One thought on “Kelly

  1. cuzzinJ on said:

    Keep @ it, Mariss. Life is more than these moments.

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