as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I decided to try something different today.  I knew I wanted to get into my Bible some today.  I just felt the need to connect with God in a tangible way.  Normally, I wouldn’t think the Bible is the most tangible way, but I just had to do something.  So I read Psalm 63 which had been one that I gravitated to in the past.

Psalm 63

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your right hand upholds me.

Those who want to kill me will be destroyed;
they will go down to the depths of the earth.
10 They will be given over to the sword
and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God;
all who swear by God will glory in him,
while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

So after reading it, I decided to try to really get it.  So, I went verse by verse and this is what happened:

Psalm 63

1 God, I’m seeking You.  I feel stuck in this dry and weary place – the fifth floor of the hospital.  My very essence is craving You.
2 I’ve seen You work before and I’ve heard of Your goodness in church.
3 I will praise You because I know You love me – all of me.  My broken and jacked up parts along with my good girl façade.  You really do love me.
4 As long as I have some sanity, I’m going to praise You – You are the reason I can even stand upright.
5 You, Your presence, and promise of presence are sustaining me though I’ve lost my appetite and my sleep is restless.  I will keep singing of Your worth.
6 When I toss and turn through the night, I try to think of You to keep from frustration.
7 You help me and have chosen to take me under Your wing though I don’t deserve it.
8 All I can do – my only option is to cling to You and what I’ve seen to be true.
9 This depression, anxiety, and self harm will be conquered.
10 They will be destroyed.  Not Me.
11 I will hope in You.  Those who see my progress will realize you are Truth and will praise You.

I never before understood verses 9 and 10.  I get it now.
The awesome thing about it all, is that just because I screwed up… again today… twice.  Doesn’t discount any of His love for me.  If anything, it just means that He’ll fight harder for me because I don’t have the strength to do it on my own.


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