as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Hope For Progress

I haven’t cut since Monday.
I have completed 2 days so far in “The Program”.  The worst part… I can’t say that… it’s all kind of the worst.  Where to begin:
Okay it’s called the Partial Hospitalization Program.  Ummm… that makes me one door away on the fifth floor of the hospital from being locked up.  In speaking of the fifth floor – the access panels and light fixtures have keyed locks on them.  This place isn’t fooling around.
Then there’s the aspect that it’s all group therapy.  I get social anxiety.  Big time.  Group therapy.  Do you see irony?  I do.
Walking to elevator E is also terrible.  There are only a few things that elevator goes to – gastric bypass surgeries and the psychiatric ward.  Either way, elevator E is not an esteem builder.
But what really seems to be the worst part, is I’m not the most together person in the group.  My last experience in group therapy back when I was in my late teens was way different.  I looked normal.  Those people were nuts.  Now, I seem to be the crazy one.  I’m learning to embrace the crazy though.  On my notebook – I wrote “Crazy Time”.  I’m not pretending I’m okay anymore.  I think that is what makes me think that there’s a possibility this program will work.  My original plan was to fake it and to get through it as quickly as possible just to get out.  Now, I’m actually doing my homework and I’m telling Kelly everything that I can remember.  I’m sticking to the rules – including no drinking.
It’s not that it’s hard to not drink, but knowing that I can’t, brings the rebel out in me.  I figure if I put the drinking thing out there now – it’ll be harder to “slip”.
I know it’s only two days into a three or so week program, but, I think that I can do this… learn what I need to and re-enter life.

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