as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Hopefully This Will Only Be A Trilogy

In this third installment of talking about the Darkness, I’m about to start a program that will bring me out of it.  I’m going dragging my heels.  It’s not that I want to stay in the dark places, believe me, I don’t.  It’s that I’m afraid that the next three weeks will be more than I can bear.
I asked my doctor if I could take a week off of work to try to mellow out and wait for the medicine to kick in fully.  She said she’s greatly concerned about me and countered with hospitalization or a three-week day program at the hospital.  Those became my options.  Since I don’t own a bathrobe (all in-patients at the psych ward wear bathrobes on tv), I opted for the 3 week day program.  Plus I don’t want to be locked up.  That’s what hospitalization for craziness feels like.
So at 8:30, I’m to walk into Evanston Hospital ask for the Psychiatric Unit and say I’m there for the Day Program.  I have this fear that at intake they’ll be like “Oooooh, yeah, you’re just going to have to be inpatient.  Too bad you don’t have a bathrobe.”
What the truth is, I need to figure out something, because what I’ve been doing, just isn’t working.  Crying with Kelly nightly over effing up one more time and cutting yet again isn’t healthy for our marriage.  Using a pair of scissors on my leg when everyone’s back is turned at work isn’t healthy.  Having anxiety attacks when customers enter the store isn’t healthy.  Getting only 4 hours of sleep on Ambien isn’t healthy.  Taking 2 and a half Klonapin and still freaking out isn’t healthy.  I’m not healthy.
On Saturday I wrote that I needed to get better, if not for me than for her.  Today is that step.  I’m scared.  But I’m going to do it.  The darkness has to leave right?  Spring is supposed to be here.  I just don’t know if I believe it.


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One thought on “Hopefully This Will Only Be A Trilogy

  1. I love you and am praying for you in the darkness. Can you have/are you interested in visitors? Let me know if you would like to meet for coffee or anything else this week. You are amazing, Marissa; you are so vulnerable and courageous.

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