as I walk

the journey to becoming me

darkness part 2

When I cut, it doesn’t just hurt me, it hurts my wife.  I promised to never intentionally hurt her.  I need to get better so I can stop hurting her.  Even though I don’t give a shit about myself, I care for her deeply and need to stop… for her.  For our marriage.  I love her more than cutting.  I hate seeing that sadness, frustration, confusion, and disappointment in her eyes more than I love the release I get from a blade.
I have to quit.
I have to get better.
If not for me, then for her.
For our marriage.
Even now, all I can think about is a pair of scissors, but I know that it’s temporary and that her pain lasts longer than my relief.  Every day that I cut, I feel like a failure.  I feel like a bad wife.  I feel selfish.  I feel shame…
I’m just trying to remember that I love her more than cutting.

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2 thoughts on “darkness part 2

  1. Jake and I care about you so much. You are such a lovable, smart, hard-working, funny, unique woman of God.

  2. Liz H. on said:

    I’m praying for you and for Kelly right now, for God’s presence in the darkness with you. I’m praying for His comfort and healing and peace.

    liz

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