as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Fear

My sister wrote about bravery yesterday, and today, I’m writing about gripping fear.  I guess we really are related.
I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday.  I normally am totally cool with doctors.  In fact, I get excited if I can get a shot or a blood test or something else involving needles.  I love it.  But this, this is a different kind of doctor.  This is a doctor that I’ve been avoiding for close to two decades now.
I made an appointment two years ago, but ended up needing gallbladder surgery, so I had to cancel it and never quite got around to re-scheduling.  That had been the closest I came to being brave.
I haven’t wanted to go because fear has told me not to.  Fear has told me that if I go, somehow, the doctor would know I was gay and out me.  Fear told me that the doctor would be able to see all of my sin from that angle.  Fear told me that it would hurt.  Fear told me that I’d get a flashback.  Fear told me that I’d wind up punching the doctor as an instinctual response.  Unfortunately, that same Fear is now telling me that there might be something very wrong with me and that I need to go and find out why.
Fear is gripping me from all sides right now.  I don’t know if I will have a flashback to past abuse.  I don’t know if I’ll completely freak out.  I don’t know what she’ll tell me.  I don’t know if I can do this.
But I have to.
I talked to my therapist about it this morning.  For the first time in our relationship, she tried to soothe and assure me that I’d be okay.  I’m used to her simply telling me I’m an idiot (in a professional way of course).  She said that I’ve been doing better on my flashbacks and that there’s a chance I’d have one because of the unfamiliar situation, but reminded me of the grounding techniques and just kept saying I’d be okay.
Fear is a strange beast.  It’s kept me from this upcoming Monday my adult life and it has driven me to it.  Fear is confusing.  Fear is ugly.  Fear.  Fear will not be my master.  The One I answer to is full of Peace, Love, Grace, and Justice.  Fear does not belong.  So starting now, I will join my sister and be Brave.

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3 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I 100% agree with Kath – You are so brave. You can feel fear and still be brave. It’s the actions that you take while feeling fearful that make you brave. And according to my little definition, you are extremely brave. Love you.

  2. Kathleen on said:

    1.) Who is going with you? Don’t go alone. What time is your appt? Text me if you will let me go with you.
    2.) Fear is a big liar. Fear is from hell. Fear isolates, fear lies, fear damages, and fear causes us to not care for ourselves. Fear can suck it.
    3.) You are so brave. You have taken a hundred brave, pioneering, groundbreaking steps in the last year. You ARE SO BRAVE.

  3. Love you so very much!!!! Let me know how I can help! You’ve got this!

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