as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Am I?

A year or so ago, I started wondering what it really meant to be a Christian.  I found myself confused by the whole thing.  I had looked at Christianity as what I didn’t do.  I found myself getting angst-y because those things that I didn’t do before that showed the world I was a good Christian girl… were suddenly things that I would do (not on a regular basis… but… enough that I didn’t have the perfect “church girl” persona).  I wasn’t sure where that landed me with God.  I finally asked someone about it – a pastor – and she said it’s just about waking up, finding out what Jesus wants to do that day, and do that. Basically, following Jesus.  That took so much pressure from me.  I felt that I could be me and a Christian and “normal”.
I got comfortable.
Too comfortable.

The past few weeks, I’ve been questioning Christianity again.  Once more, it’s not about my faith.  I believe in God.  I believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for me.  I’m not questioning that side of the equation, I’m doubting my side.  Am I a Christian?  Do I really follow Jesus?  Do I really love Him?
I’m in a relationship with someone who is amazing.  I think about her all the time.  I text, call, e-mail, Facebook, anything I can to stay in contact with her.
I’m supposed to also be in a relationship with Jesus – who by definition is a bajillion (yes, bajillion) times better than anyone alive.  Yet, I’m starting to finally get that I don’t think about Him.  I don’t initiate connection with Him unless I’m desperate or feeling wicked guilty about something.  Do I really love Him?
I think, the answer, is no.  I don’t.  I want to.  But, I don’t.  The relationship we have is one-sided.  I’m selfish.  I take His best and give Him my left over crap.  I spend time with Him, when it benefits me.  I ignore Him the rest of the time.  I try to change the “rules” mid stream.  I am supposed to be His bride.  Instead I’m His selfish, indifferent, bitchy girlfriend.

I wish I could have answered my questions differently.  I wish I could detail how much I love Jesus.  I wish it were evident in my life.  I thought about having an ending that said something to the effect of “Maybe I’ll look back soon at this and see how far I’ve come and feel how wonderful it is to follow Jesus”.  The sad thing, is, it doesn’t feel true.  Yes, I want to follow Him.  But, pretending like it can be sunshine and roses… I don’t think it will be.  I think that there will be a part of me that always holds something back from Him.  Maybe it’s the gay thing.  I firmly believe based on research and prayer that God’s totally cool with me being gay and in a relationship.  I think where the hesitation comes from is the church.  The church = people.  I know.  I know people screw up (I’ve had 33 years of my own screw ups to solidify that hypothesis).  It’s just hard to know that ChurchPersonA sees me and my relationship as sin when I see it as a gift.  It makes me wonder if God says different things to different people.  It makes me not want to trust Him.  It makes me unsure of… everything.

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