as I walk

the journey to becoming me

I don’t want to do this…

Tomorrow’s the big day.  Tomorrow morning I start seeing a counselor again.  I know that it will be different this time, and that scares me.  So much of this scares me.  I’m scared because I know that in order for therapy to work, I actually have to deal with my past.  I have to own it.  I have to remember it.  I don’t know if I can take that.  I barely lived through it, so why am I choosing to re-visit it?
I guess the answer is because it chose to re-visit me.  After that flashback, I immediately made the appointment.  It’s been just over two weeks since that night, I’ve started feeling safe and secure again.  Well, secure might be stretching it a bit far, but, I don’t feel like I did when I called up this new therapist.  I do feel scared though.  Not just about the past… but about the future.  All of the previous times I’ve been in therapy, I was miserable and made other people miserable.  I was described as a “moody bitch” last time.  I didn’t think I was then, but looking back… that’s pretty accurate.  I don’t want that to happen.  For the first time that I can remember, I’m happy.  Not just having good days… but completely content… well… except for my issues.  I just don’t want anything to mess that up.
Who am I kidding?  I don’t want to screw up my relationship.  I want to go to therapy because if I can work through this junk, then there won’t be this… thing… between us.  I don’t want to go because I’m afraid that somehow I’ll become a different person and it will ruin our relationship.  I love her and don’t want to hurt or lose her, yet I think no matter what I do… it will be inevitable.
Maybe that’s all in my head.  Maybe I’ll go in there tomorrow, just chat, and magically everything will be better and everything will be great.  I suppose the adverb “magically” implies that that scenario isn’t all that plausible.  But, this time will be different.  I’m not going because I’m forced by parents.  I’m not going because I’m trying to kill a part of who I am – be someone I’m not.  I’m going to be a better me, to process, to learn how to do life as I am.  Maybe it will be good.  Maybe it will make my relationship with Kelly even better.  Maybe.  Maybe.

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One thought on “I don’t want to do this…

  1. I’m so proud of you, and in awe that you face demons head on. “Proud” sounds condescending to me… I just mean to tell you you’re awesome.

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