I suppose I’m naïve. No, I think gullible would be a more accurate word choice. I see the irony in it. When I was in high school I’d say at least once a month “Hey mom, did you know that gullible isn’t in the dictionary?” She’d always reply “Really???” So I guess it’s time things come full circle. Call it karma.
I actually believed my mom was telling me the truth. It’s not so much that she lied to me. It’s that she “got caught up in the emotion of the conversation” and made statements before she had processed anything. I can kind of get that. Actually, I should totally have seen that coming. That happened once before. That time it resulted in a 2 am phone call (reader’s digest version -) telling me I was going to go to hell, but that she loved me anyway. This time though, it hurts a little more. This time I thought we had a real dialogue. I thought that I may have made a few points (specifically because she said “wow, I never thought of it that way, yeah.”). I thought that she was coming around. I thought that maybe she could love me for who I am, all of me, and maybe love the person that I love. I thought this was the beginning of a real mother daughter relationship.
I was gullible. I believed it. I wanted to so badly. I wanted to have a coming out story that was fairly painless. I wanted to be able to consider Vermont as an option. I know there’s no way I’d go to Connecticut. Looks like it’ll be Iowa (when the time comes). It’s not so much the state. It’s that I would have liked my mom to at least support me. Karma is a bitch.
Here are the texts I sent:
I thought you were fine with love – just not sex outside of “marriage”
So… you wanting me to get married in VT was just talk…
For the sake of my emotions and sanity – can you please refrain from telling me how you feel until you’ve “processed”? I can’t deal with this again.
The crazy thing is on one hand she kept telling me that it’s wrong. The other hand was inviting me and Kelly to Vermont to visit (making it clear it would be separate rooms)… As a kid I remember her telling me about homosexuality. She said that all gay people do is have sex. I think in her mind, she now only sees me as a sex monster. That is not who I am. I am the same person I’ve always been. I love Jesus. I’m an advocate for North Korean rights. I love coffee. I love teenagers. I am a hard worker. I love to write. I try to give sacrificially. I still like to draw penguins. I try to love people well. I still like to go for runs. I just happen to be attracted to women and I’ve fallen in love with an amazing chick. Nothing else has changed.
So, yes. I was gullible. I believed her. I believed. Past tense. No more.