as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I suppose I’m naïve.  No, I think gullible would be a more accurate word choice.  I see the irony in it.  When I was in high school I’d say at least once a month “Hey mom, did you know that gullible isn’t in the dictionary?”  She’d always reply “Really???”  So I guess it’s time things come full circle.  Call it karma.
I actually believed my mom was telling me the truth.  It’s not so much that she lied to me.  It’s that she “got caught up in the emotion of the conversation” and made statements before she had processed anything.  I can kind of get that.  Actually, I should totally have seen that coming.  That happened once before.  That time it resulted in a 2 am phone call (reader’s digest version -) telling me I was going to go to hell, but that she loved me anyway.  This time though, it hurts a little more.  This time I thought we had a real dialogue.  I thought that I may have made a few points (specifically because she said “wow, I never thought of it that way, yeah.”).  I thought that she was coming around.  I thought that maybe she could love me for who I am, all of me, and maybe love the person that I love.  I thought this was the beginning of a real mother daughter relationship.
I was gullible.  I believed it.  I wanted to so badly.  I wanted to have a coming out story that was fairly painless.  I wanted to be able to consider Vermont as an option.  I know there’s no way I’d go to Connecticut.  Looks like it’ll be Iowa (when the time comes).  It’s not so much the state.  It’s that I would have liked my mom to at least support me.  Karma is a bitch.
Here are the texts I sent:
I thought you were fine with love – just not sex outside of “marriage”
So… you wanting me to get married in VT was just talk…
For the sake of my emotions and sanity – can you please refrain from telling me how you feel until you’ve “processed”?  I can’t deal with this again.

The crazy thing is on one hand she kept telling me that it’s wrong.  The other hand was inviting me and Kelly to Vermont to visit (making it clear it would be separate rooms)… As a kid I remember her telling me about homosexuality.  She said that all gay people do is have sex.  I think in her mind, she now only sees me as a sex monster.  That is not who I am.  I am  the same person I’ve always been.  I love Jesus.  I’m an advocate for North Korean rights.  I love coffee.  I love teenagers.  I am a hard worker.  I love to write.  I try to give sacrificially.  I still like to draw penguins.  I try to love people well.  I still like to go for runs.  I just happen to be attracted to women and I’ve fallen in love with an amazing chick.  Nothing else has changed.
So, yes.  I was gullible.  I believed her.  I believed.  Past tense.  No more.


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2 thoughts on “gullible

  1. Anonymous on said:

    I don’t think you are gullible for believing something was going to happen that you utterly and completely deserve!

    “All gay people do is have sex.” It is astronomically ignorant what some people think!

    I completely support you and Kelly!

    You can call or message me, too; I am also here for you!

    I love you!

    LaurA! SCRUGGS!

  2. Do you know that I have now been “out” for 9 years? When I told my Mom 9 yrs ago she had a very similar reaction. And she has come around in some ways over the years. But in other ways she has not. With time I have learned that she has her own convictions and views on things. And I can not ask her to change just because they don’t align with mine. That would be no different than her asking me to change. I have learned I can’t have it both ways. What I am trying to say is give it some time. People really do need time to process and accept things. It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am just as I know it took you a long time to finally do the same. So remember that it will take others who are just getting used to the idea time to come around as well. Some people will and some people won’t/ Some people like my Mom will come to the place where she loves me, can spend time with Dawna and I but we agree to disagree. She does not judge me but I also know and have accepted that she won’t be at my wedding. I am okay with that now but it took a while.

    The biggest thing for you to do right now is to try not to look for affirmation and acceptance from those around you. Of course, you want that. Of course it is normal to hope people will see you are still you and that they will still treat you the same. But I am not going to sugar coat it or lie…many will not. Hold tight to those in your life who love you for who you are and support you even if they have different views. They are your support. Let go of those in your life who bring you down and judge. Try not to judge them in return. Just let them go and give it all time. Some will come back around. I mean it took you and I 4 years to have contact again. So keep your chin up and remember this is a huge change for many to grasp. And many believe it is wrong so it is hard for them to be supportive. You do the best you can and keep it real with God. If you feel you have his support…then you are doing well.

    I am always here for you my friend. I really feel I can be a help to you being I have been there myself. So please know you can call or message me anytime. And as for the marriage thing…you really should consider NH or MA! 😉 It is not CT but close enough to see those you still have contact with. 🙂

    Love You!


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