I know I should write. I want to. It’s not something I’d necessarily call a passion, but there is a burning that I feel when I don’t. I’ve been looking at life in new and different ways lately. I see the beauty in things and want to be able to write and convey it, but then I get sucked into the next thing that catches my breath and wind up not writing about any of it. I know that if I don’t write, then I’m just a typist. That is not what I want to be. So, writing it is.
I’ve been thinking about what it is that I want to write. Quite honestly, there’s only been one thing on my mind lately.
I said it. It’s something that I’ve been thinking for a while now. I was afraid that I’d randomly blurt it out at the wrong time. I was afraid that if I said it… that things would change. That it would somehow turn out really bad. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that she’d run away – the way I had times before. I was afraid that it wouldn’t come out right. I was afraid.
The fear started to eat at me. I realized that all those worst case scenarios would be worth it. I haven’t lied to her yet, and not telling her felt deceptive.
While we were sitting on the couch, I blurted out that I had to tell her something. Smooth, I am not. The fear flooded in and I found it hard to get any oxygen. I for the first time, had no words. I stammered and looked up at the ceiling, wrung my hands and I started to see her getting scared. I hadn’t formulated what I was going to say when I made my initial statement. So I tried on a few different ways in my head. Nothing seemed fluid or even well worded… but one didn’t seem as terrible as the rest. I took a deep breath and went for it. I used a word that I’ve thrown around in regards to chap-stick, food, cars, colors, sleep… I’ve used the word so much that maybe it began to lose its meaning. When I said it though, it felt like thunder (though sounded like a raindrop).
Love was not an easy word to say. But, it was right. It was true. It was real. It was worth it. Regardless of any reciprocity, I’m glad I said it. I’m glad I was honest. I’m glad I didn’t give in to fear. More importantly, I’m glad I have someone in my life to love.