as I walk

the journey to becoming me

a raindrop

I know I should write.  I want to.  It’s not something I’d necessarily call a passion, but there is a burning that I feel when I don’t.  I’ve been looking at life in new and different ways lately.  I see the beauty in things and want to be able to write and convey it, but then I get sucked into the next thing that catches my breath and wind up not writing about any of it.  I know that if I don’t write, then I’m just a typist.  That is not what I want to be.  So, writing it is.
I’ve been thinking about what it is that I want to write.  Quite honestly, there’s only been one thing on my mind lately.

I said it.  It’s something that I’ve been thinking for a while now.  I was afraid that I’d randomly blurt it out at the wrong time.  I was afraid that if I said it… that things would change.  That it would somehow turn out really bad.  I was afraid of rejection.  I was afraid that she’d run away – the way I had times before.  I was afraid that it wouldn’t come out right.  I was afraid.
The fear started to eat at me.  I realized that all those worst case scenarios would be worth it.  I haven’t lied to her yet, and not telling her felt deceptive.
While we were sitting on the couch, I blurted out that I had to tell her something.  Smooth, I am not.  The fear flooded in and I found it hard to get any oxygen.  I for the first time, had no words.  I stammered and looked up at the ceiling, wrung my hands and I started to see her getting scared.  I hadn’t formulated what I was going to say when I made my initial statement.  So I tried on a few different ways in my head.  Nothing seemed fluid or even well worded… but one didn’t seem as terrible as the rest.  I took a deep breath and went for it.  I used a word that I’ve thrown around in regards to chap-stick, food, cars, colors, sleep… I’ve used the word so much that maybe it began to lose its meaning.  When I said it though, it felt like thunder (though sounded like a raindrop).
Love was not an easy word to say.  But, it was right.  It was true.  It was real.  It was worth it.  Regardless of any reciprocity, I’m glad I said it.  I’m glad I was honest.  I’m glad I didn’t give in to fear.  More importantly, I’m glad I have someone in my life to love.

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2 thoughts on “a raindrop

  1. 🙂 I am happy for you my friend.

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