as I walk

the journey to becoming me

wounder and wounded

There’s something that’s been eating away at me for a couple of weeks.  When I first heard it, I knew it affected me, I just hadn’t quite realized that it would infect me.  I keep going back to that night wondering what I should have done.  I wonder if I should have stepped way outside of my comfort zone and talked to them.  I wonder if I should have apologized on behalf of Christians.  I wonder if I should have tried to not overhear their conversation so I could go on with life.  I wonder how many others have this wound.

Just about every person we meet in this life is wounded in some way.  Some have been hurt by family, friends, co-workers, the government, and some by the church.
The church.
That’s the hardest wound to heal from and there will always be a scar.  Perhaps the wounds are deeper and more gruesome because it’s a collective of people that we think represents God.
God doesn’t wound us.  He’s the healer.  He’s the antidote.  He’s the comfort.  It’s the people who claim they know what He says and then act without the greater command of love who injure.  Yet when the church as a whole says or does something that seems to hit us in our very core, our gut reaction is to isolate ourselves from the One who could mend it before it becomes a scar.  We feel that it’s God telling us that we aren’t wanted.  We feel it’s God who says that we aren’t good enough.  We feel it’s God who isn’t loving us.

It’s man.
Man.  Flesh.  Humanity.  We are the ones who fear and hate and withhold love.

That Friday night at a bar and I overheard a lesbian couple trying to sort out what to do now that they can’t be in their church, my heart broke.  They said they felt abandoned and disconnected from God.  I wish I could say that my heart broke out of pure compassion, but it was partly out of guilt.
I have been on both sides of this story.  I’m not proud of it.  Several years ago, I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.  How arrogant and foolish.  I destroyed a friendship because I thought I was speaking for God.  I told a close friend that I couldn’t even eat with her if she chose that lifestyle.  I was the church.  I caused wounds.  I left scars.
At the beginning of this year, after intense prayer, research, therapy, programs… I became the one sitting across the table telling a friend that I was going to start to pursue a same-sex dating relationship.  For the most part, I was treated with way more grace and love than I had showed my friend.  There were a few friendships that I lost because of it and things aren’t so great with my mother.  Yet, the hardest part in all of it, was knowing that I had to leave my church.  It wasn’t that leadership said I couldn’t attend.  I knew I couldn’t serve in any area that felt meaningful or like an act of worship, so I chose to leave.

I regret not saying something to that couple.  Even if I said the wrong thing, if I said it with love, maybe it could have at least had some healing.  Maybe I really just wanted to say something to make up for my past wrong.
I am sorry.

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5 thoughts on “wounder and wounded

  1. Hey. I came across your blog when I was checking out your mohawk, which I think is awesome. I wanted to say I think you are amazing and I am so thankful to have you in my life. It breaks my heart that you feel like you have to leave the church. I definitely understand where you’re coming from, but it still really really makes my heart ache.

  2. Jeremy on said:

    I’m so glad that you are writing like this. I feel like I know way better now than before you moved. I’m glad to be able to watch your journey; I just wish it wasn’t from afar.

    I also owe it to you that my way of thinking has shifted. Thank you!

  3. I just want you to know that I love you. I was able to come around after about a year from feeling the church all walked out on me. God softened my heart and I saw that people are human…not God. We try to do what we feel is best and sometimes we fail even when we feel we are doing what’s right. I was able to forgive and come to the realization that people mean well. Sure, sometimes I get hurt by someone in the church. But I try hard to take it to God and let it go. I know I’m not perfect so I can’t expect others to be. 🙂 Anyway…make peace with it. Learn from it and try to move forward. It’s important. Love you friend.

    • Thank you for being willing to be my friend no matter how many times I do or say something stupid/hurtful.

      • Well of course. We all have said things or done things that have hurt others. That is human, right? The first year after I left CT I will admit that I was VERY angry and bitter against everyone there and God. But God brought me around. That was a very long time ago. Affirmation is from God…that is what I always remember. Not to look for it in a person. Everyone needs to hold tight to their convictions. I don’t judge anyone for that. I just ask that people show the love of God which isn’t always the case. But I am lucky to have people in my life who have done that no matter what their beliefs are. Love you!

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