as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I’m in that place once again where I’m contemplating what to do with my life.  I know, I know I said I finally had it all figured out.  In some strange way, it’s true… I just know that it’s not viable.  I tried to fool myself into thinking it was.  It would be amazing and I’d feel amazing.  But I could probably only do it for a year or two at most… and then what?  I’d need to figure something else out.
So… maybe I’ll still do that dream job and work towards it, but I’ll also need to figure out what to do afterwards and set myself up for a transition into that.  I do not want to work retail/parts/barista the rest of my life.  This is going to be one of the most brash statements I’ll make – but – I’m better than that.  I have intelligence, logic, people skills, passion, energy, loyalty, the ability to constantly learn, and some (not much, but some) creativity.  I can do better than what I’m doing now.
I’m thinking about going back to school.  There are a few different avenues I was thinking about.  Probably the most traditional path would be in English/Writing.  I’d be able to use that for teaching English overseas if I wanted or to help me become a better writer.  At the very least I’d have an actual 4 year degree.  Another option is Korean Studies.  I mean… that would help with the first job… and… I’m sure I could do something else with that… (?) …  Then there’s what I think would be the most interesting combination ever: a dual degree in Gender Studies and Theology.  Seriously that would be wicked awesome.  Of course there’s always Social Work.  So… yeah… I don’t know.  I talked at work about it with Howie who promptly called me an idiot.  He said I should be a structural engineer because I’d be more satisfied building things rather than people.  Howie is a man who I’ve worked with for 2 years and who knows me just as well as any of my friends, but he has the benefit of seeing how I work.  My heart feels a little broken.  Am I terrible at loving people?  Am I not as caring as I thought?  Should I just work with numbers and the tangible?
I mean, I’m not looking for a huge money-making career, I just want a career that I’ll be good at and that I’d find some level of satisfaction in that pays my bills and gives me extra money to give to causes that I care about – and/or gives me time to volunteer.  I’ve said in the past that I don’t care what I do for a job as long as I can pay my bills.  I’ve finally grown out of that stage.  I figure, if I have to work, why not get paid to do something that bring satisfaction or that is congruent to how I want the world to be… why not have a job that I can change the world (or at least one person’s world)?
Maybe I have delusions of grandeur.  Maybe I am only meant to work retail and to sling coffee.  Maybe that is my lot in life.  But maybe… just maybe I could do something that matters.


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