as I walk

the journey to becoming me

either or

I keep thinking about the future, both professionally and personally/relation-ally.  The more I think about it, the more I think that a fulfilling relationship and a fulfilling “career” are mutually exclusive, that I can’t have both.  Some may say that’s crazy talk  – that of course it’s possible.  But my future career of choice is a little (a lot) nuts.
You’d be hard pressed to find someone who is passionate enough to do the job, let alone find someone who is willing to subject themselves to brutal conditions for… me.
So, either I do this job… or I have a safe and happy relationship.  I occasionally let my mind wander into the “both” dream.  It would be so much easier to do what I’ll be doing with someone who supports me and can be an emotional rock for when things go bad (and in this job, when things go bad… they go very very very very bad).  Not to mention the other nice and wonderful relationship-y types of things.  But that would be the hugest plus – having someone in my corner, someone to comfort me, grieve and strategize with.  Someone to check and balance me.  Oh, and love.  That would be pretty great too.
Then there’s the flip side.  I don’t want to put anyone in danger (especially someone I love).  I know I keep mentioning this illusive job that I’ve only described with danger and brutal conditions and that you’d have to be crazy to do.  There’s a reason I’m not saying what it actually is… because it would make it even more dangerous.  Just trust me when I say that I feel it’s something I was born to do.  Maybe that’s why I’ve never wanted kids.  It would be insane to put them into a situation like this.  It’s one thing to put myself in the line of fire.  It’s quite another to put others there – especially those that count on me to protect them.
Which makes me wonder then, if maybe I should just stay single.  Maybe that’s what this all boils down to.  maybe I should stop pursuing a relationship – even though my career change wouldn’t come for a few years, even though it would be great to find love…  What am I gonna do?  Just hope that I can find someone with the same crazy passion… or at least enough to embark on this together, that’s fine with danger, and would love me enough to stick this out together?  That seems like an impossibility.
So what do I do?  Close myself off again?  Try to become my own rock?  Only seek superficial and casual relationships?  Change my mind on a career choice?  I honestly don’t know.  I’m asking.  What do I do?
Why am I even thinking about this now?  Because it’s 3am.  And that is what I do.


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