as I walk

the journey to becoming me

it’s not you, it’s me… well, maybe it’s you too

Oh, it’s been some time since I’ve written anything.  That explains why I’ve been so obnoxious to my friends, family, co-workers, and tweeps.  When I don’t write, I don’t process.  When I don’t process I’m miserable.  Couple that with having a bad bout of bronchitis (as I affectionately refer to as “the plague”) so I couldn’t even run to clear my head.  Yes, a miserable 3 weeks for me and for those around me.
The past few days I started getting really bad.  Angry, frustrated, stressed, and worse – whiny.  After work today, I was beat so I took a nap.  I woke up still angry, frustrated, stressed, and yes – whiny.  I couldn’t take myself anymore so I decided it was time to get my lungs and legs back to where they should be.  I put on my Asics and headphones and went for a run.  I was going to do my usual 2.5 mile route… but… something inside of me told me to keep running east.  I ended up running as far east as I could without swimming.  I crossed LSD (Lake Shore Drive for you non- Chicagoans) and sat out in the misty cold overlooking the lake.  I was beat, wet, tired, and as I tried to peer out past the fog I realized something.  I’m an idiot.
Let me do some backing up here.  I’ve been seeing this chick who is pretty awesome.  The more time I spend with her, the more I like her.  I know that there are two options (you may recall, I have issues seeing things in black or white, yes or no, this or that…) that I was going to fall in love with her (I could totally see that coming) or we’d have to stop seeing each other.  Every once in a while, I’d get a bit scared and think “holy crap, I can’t do this, I have to stop seeing her.”  Then I’d see her… and I’d get all stupid/sappy and forget about it.  The last time we went out, she mentioned something that (at the risk of sounding like an old Southerner) really stuck in my craw.  She mentioned that she hated a particular people group, and when prodded mentioned 2 others – one of which is a category that one of my good friends out here falls into.  That really really really bothered me.  Well… sort of.  See, this is where I’m an idiot.  Yes, it bothered me.  Yes, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I can’t be with someone who hates… but… it didn’t bother me enough to not kiss her good night.  It didn’t bother me enough to not send her a cute text on my drive home.  And this is where I realize that I’m a hypocrite.  I wanted so badly to feel wanted (both physically and emotionally I’ll admit) that I compromised some core values… because she’s a good kisser.  I am an hypocritical idiot.  (side note: who know it was “an hypocritical” and not “a hypocritical”?  thanks spell check!)
On my run back from the lake, God pointed out another oh, so charming feature about me – I’m stunted.  Yes, I’m a stunted hypocritical idiot.  I hadn’t dated anyone since I was 19/20.  And when I was dating back then… it wasn’t relational… it was… well it wasn’t relational.  So, the last time I was in a relationship… you know… when you discuss things and talk about “feelings”… yeah… that was when I was a junior in high school.  So here I am – 32 – TWICE the age I last was when I was dating Eric… I still have that stupid high school mentality.  I don’t know how to do relationships with any amount of maturity.  I know that I’d like to.  Mostly because I want to be in a good, healthy, loving, stable, committed, real, long-term, God sanctioned relationship.  I can’t have that if I can’t even tell this chick after a couple of months of dating, that it’s not cool that she hates a friend because of her ethnicity.
With this realization, He pointed out one last thing – if I can’t end this relationship well, I won’t be able to start another relationship well.  Ouch.  It’s time to stop being a stunted hypocritical idiot, and start being an adult that stands up for people and what’s right.

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One thought on “it’s not you, it’s me… well, maybe it’s you too

  1. You are awesome! You admit to the world what most of us (myself included) won’t admit to ourselves. I am proud of you, and I look up to you! Oh, and I miss ya and love ya, too! I can’t wait to see you when you come out here!

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