The ache is back tonight, stronger than ever. It’s getting in the way of breathing.
I thought that maybe if I open up to people, maybe it will go away… or at least calm down. I. Was. Wrong. I think the more I talk about it, the more real it becomes, the more predominant it is in my life, the less I can function.
This has been one of the heaviest most depressing periods of my life. I know that I’ve made it worse based on the music I’ve listened to (spotify must think I’m a suicidal 15-year-old girl in 1994). One of the songs frightened me by how much I related to it (yet I’ve had it on repeat). I won’t even say what it was because I’ll probably be committed.
So, while listening to this song I became so overwhelmed that I sent an email (which was no doubt filled with angst and word vomit). I wasn’t actually intending to hit send… but I apparently did anyway. The response I got was direct and honest and I’ve decided to take their parting suggestion.
With pillows on the floor, a much different play list (think Gungor, Jesus Culture, and Phil Wickham as opposed to Soul Asylum, Boy Sets Fire, and Papa Roach), and lit candles, I’ve settled in- not to ask questions, not to start an argument with my Creator, but to ask Him to meet me and comfort me and to give me the strength to make it through this.
So here’s the deal God… I am so fucked. I can’t keep up like this. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t. I need people… but I think I need You more. I’ve isolated myself so carefully to try to keep everyone and You from seeing all of my shit. I’ve tried to make it seem like I’m moving forward. I even wrap up every blog with a bow to make it look like I’ve worked it all out and I’m okay. I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will be. God… I don’t want to sin against You and hurt You, but I can’t keep up like this – utterly alone. Why couldn’t my issue have been that I’m asexual? That would have been so much easier to deal with, still alone, but not shame and self-hatred and sin. I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to go into the “why’s”. I just hurt. And I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll fail. I’m scared that I’ll give in to what I’ve fought for 12 years. I’m scared that I’ll do something stupid. I’m scared that I’ll destroy our relationship. Of course, there hasn’t been much of that for a long time. At church I was pretty sure I was going to quit going. The pain of seeing all those hundreds of people praising You and me being so very far away is too much. I know somewhere in the Bible (I used to know where…) it says draw near to God and He’ll draw near to you – but… I don’t have it in me to go to You. I don’t have that capacity. I feel paralyzed in relationship to You. So… what I’m asking is… will You please just… come to me? I don’t need You to fix me. I just need to know that You’re here with me… that You’re in my corner… that You’ll fight for me. If I don’t have that, then there is no point. No point in anything. I need Your protection. I need You to have my back. I need to know that You still love me. I need You.