My tweet this afternoon apparently caused quite a stir. I got a number of texts, and direct messages making sure I was okay. For those of you that missed it, it was “You know you’re having a bad day when you go to your “happy place” and there’s a gun.” (I have since deleted the tweet to avoid any late comers to their twitter feed freaking out) I’m not suicidal, nor am I homicidal. But, for two seconds I felt a moment of peace when my mind drifted to a bullet in my brain. The thought of not thinking is so appealing. I’m not going to hurt myself or even attempt to self medicate. But, the truth is, that no, no I’m not okay. I’ll be okay, yes. But current state (at time of tweet) not okay. I didn’t write it as a cry for help or fishing for love… it was a little comical to me that THAT was my happy place, so I put it up there.
I had a downright shitty day today. Nothing big happened, just a lot of tiny little things kept picking at me and then all of my major stuff was weighing heavily on my brain and my heart. I sent out an email with some anger behind it. I got a response of encouragement and love. So I replied with a little bit more honesty, still some anger, and pain. Then I got a response of greater love and encouragement via phone.
I’m still not positive where I’m going to wind up in this journey, but I know that when I started it that my heart was to want my heart to follow Jesus no matter where He leads… and He’s leading me into the deepest, darkest, loneliest, scariest chasm I could imagine. It reminds me of Matthew chapter 4 “Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil.” That verse always struck me… I never understood why God would lead Jesus into a place of isolation and desolation for 40 days knowing He would then be met by Satan to be tempted. I think I’m kind of getting it. I think that no matter how many books I read on what the Bible really says about homosexuality and how many different ways I translate arsenokoitai… I still have to remember that God is the one leading me on this wilderness journey.
I shared my struggle with a co-worker at my full-time job and he told me that Jesus preached love and happiness and to do what makes me happy. Looking back over my life, I think the times I’ve been happiest were ones that I was closer to God (not even necessarily involving God, but I was a “better Christian”. So, maybe that is the answer…
I don’t claim to have the answers, nor do I claim that I know where I’ll wind up. All I can say is that I’m still trying and that my Monday nights will continue to be busy through March.