as I walk

the journey to becoming me


Let’s just be honest here.  I have issues.  If you didn’t know by now, now you do.  I’m plagued with them.  Some are huge (and major themes in my writing) and some are more “quirky” (ie: I sleep on top of my bed because I need my bed to look made at all times  or I have 3 different sock drawers – short socks, longer socks, long socks always matched but I have the rest of my laundry strewn about my room).  I would say that it’s part of being human – having these weird “quirks” that someone, someday, may find endearing.  Someone who will think it’s so cute that I refuse to sleep in the bedding or so impressed that I can blindly pull out a matching pair of socks that are the perfect length…  Now, I will say that I didn’t necessarily choose these issues.  They were bred into me out of laziness.  Yup.  Laziness.  As a kid I hated making my bed, but it always had to be done.  One year for Christmas I got a sleeping bag.  That is when I had a stroke of genius.  Make my bed one more time.  Sleep in the sleeping bag on top of the bed and just roll it up every morning.  I’ve been doing different variations of that now for… oh… over 2 decades.  The socks.  Oh the socks.  I have a tendency to wear shorts (even in January when it’s snowing, like today) and I can’t stand long socks.  So, I divided the socks into separate drawers – the top one being to wear with shorts (no shows) the middle drawer for pants (crew length) and the third for crazy days when I know I’ll be standing in snow or am wicked sick and need calf warmth.  This has served me exceedingly well when I get dressed at 4am.  It gives me an extra couple minutes that I can sleep.

Then there are those big looming ugly issues, the issues that up until last year I never let anyone see.  I refused to be open.  There are times that I regret taking the step into vulnerability.  When I’m talking with a friend in the back of my mind I wonder if she sees me as dirty or unworthy.  It’s also super painful to be honest – not just with others, but with myself.  For ten years I was able to pretend like it wasn’t a thing, that everything was fine.  Ten years.  I wish I could go back to that naive facade but it’s too late.  I know this is what’s best for me though, besides, I’d just wind up having an unfulfilled life of denial.  So now I let people into my junk, write about it, read anything I can about other people who have gone through similar things, and am even spending Monday nights trying to learn to overcome it.  This is hard.  I’ve gone through some pretty crappy stuff in my life.  I’ve gone through periods of time when I’ve lost nearly everything/everyone important.  I’ve been utterly and desperately alone.  I’ve been abused.  I’ve been kicked out of my house under the pretense of Christianity.  Yet this, this is harder.  Those situations I could stuff down or drown out with alcohol, or pretend it wasn’t happening (usually some combination of them).  Here I have to face it, talk about it, pray about it, and be honest about it – honest with myself, others, and God.
For several weeks a friend of mine (who I’ve been trying to avoid because of my issues) has been saying “I’m so glad to see you” and tries to give me a hug each time she sees me.  I typically return a “Yeah, you too” while keeping my head down and give a one-armed semi-side hug.  This chick does not relent.  Last week she was more specific about how it was good to see me and that she missed seeing me in a different setting.   Recently I ran into her twice.  The first it was outside and she seemed to beam when she saw me and hugged me.  The second (barely 24 hours later) she dropped what she was doing came up to me and slowly and thoughtfully said “I really am so glad to see you” and gave me this hug that felt bigger than any one person could ever give.  It was as deep as an ocean, but I felt so protected there in her arms.  If it had gone on a second longer I’m pretty sure I would have started to weep in her arms (I may or may not have shed a few tears when I left).  For the first time though, I didn’t twist this into something it wasn’t.
I wonder if maybe that’s what a bit of Heaven will be like.  God walking by, sees you, and then gives you a big hug so glad to see you… then He’ll walk by again in a bit and do the same thing genuinely excited to see you.  God has used this chick before to show me His love maybe He’s using her again… because I focus more on her than Him (this honesty thing sucks at times).  I am trying though.
I spent two hours today just sitting trying to listen to what God has to say about all this.  I know what tons of scholars, authors, pastors, random people… I know what they think.  I know the different sides of the argument.  For every “it’s a sin” there’s a counter argument.  For every “it’s not a sin” there’s a rebuttal.  I could keep reading all the different arguments and still wind up right where I’m at – uncertain and confused.  I thought about learning Greek to translate and interpret the Bible passages for myself (that’s when I realized I was beginning to go off the deep end).  I was challenged though last night to find out what God has to say.  Screw what people say… what does God say (totally paraphrased).  I got nothing in those two hours.  I kept thinking back to the hug and that feeling of security and being loved.  Maybe that is what God wants to tell me.  That He loves me no matter how awkward I am to love, no matter how much stupid junk I do, no matter how little time I spend with Him, He still loves me and will still protect me and hold me close to Him.
I know that there is an answer to if homosexuality truly is a sin or not.  I also know that I have to find that out sooner than later.  But, I think for now, I just need to gain confidence in His love for me, so that when the answer comes… it won’t affect our relationship.


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