as I walk

the journey to becoming me

fear

I have a friend who recently told me they went through the same (or similar) deal.  That’s great to know I’m not alone.  But what I’d rather know is how long it took to come to the place where answers were solidified.  I know I always seem so obsessed with timing… I just… need to know that I won’t be in this struggle forever (even though just about everything that I’ve read has intimated that I will).  Everyone I’ve talked with has warned me to take time and to slowly research and figure it all out… but it feels like torture.  One side of me wants to just make a decision and face whatever consequences that comes with… the other side wants to completely shut down and pretend like it’s a non-issue.  Both are rather appealing.
Let’s look at option 1 (let’s say 1A since there are essentially 2 ways it can go).
1A:  I go with the evangelical majority – homosexuality is a sin.  I can shut my brain off, stop questioning crap and attempt to deal with stuff (and when it gets overwhelming repress).  I can prepare myself for a lifetime of struggle and celibacy.  I’ll read lots and lots of Nouwen.
1B:  I go with the evangelical minority – a loving monogamous same sex relationship is not sin.  Monday nights would be free.  I could stop hating myself.  Learn how to have a relationship with Jesus without keeping Him at arm’s (or world’s) length.  Read lots and lots of Nouwen.  I’ll prepare myself for a lifetime of judgement from Christians who think I’m sinning and going straight to hell.  (Oddly enough, even in this scenario, I don’t picture myself in a relationship)
2: Disconnection.  Essentially I don’t make a decision and I live in limbo while squelching any semblance of desires for relationship.  I just go through the motions.  Appear to be a good church girl.  Keep people at the surface.  Don’t read any Nouwen.  Mostly read books by former SNL cast members…
Okay, so Option 2 actually doesn’t sound as pleasant as I thought once written out.

But my point… is that the idea of being in this state of uncertainty, questioning, and quite frankly, pain… for a year seems unbearable.

I’ve been reading and reading and reading and reading.  What strikes me most, is that no matter what bias the author has coming in to it (affirming, on the fence, abomination, etc) they almost all agree that it is not something that is chosen – that sexual orientation is not a choice.  So when I read that (over and over again) I go back to the tuna/ salmon deal.  Whether I was born with same-sex attraction or crap happened that caused it at a young age… it wasn’t of my doing… so why am I commanded to fix it?  It’s questions like that though, that make the shutting down seem appealing.
I’m actually considering trying to learn Greek so I can stop getting everyone else’s interpretation and legit translate those “major” verses for myself.  Okay, honesty time:  I fear that I will always be in this state of “research” because I’m too scared to choose.  I know that there will be parts of me that lose no matter what I come up with.  That scares me, but so does living like this forever.  So does making the wrong choice.  I guess I’m not only confused and frustrated by this whole process / mess, but I’m also scared.  I hate admitting that I’m scared.  I’m sure I’ve talked about that before in previous posts.  I don’t like vulnerability, weakness, and the like.  I want to be seen as strong, capable, brave, self-reliant. But I know that to have actual relationships, I have to let my guard down.  That’s one of the reasons that I post some of what I write.  Not because it’s relational (it’s not, I’m typing on a computer that you may or may not read), but because it’s practice.  That’s right, I’m practicing letting my guard down.  I’m practicing telling breathing human beings with whom I’m in community real things about me.  I’m practicing not giving surface responses.  That’s why I post.  Actually, I remember the first time I posted something real.  I was terrified.  Elizabeth responded to me with a hug.  That hug changed me.  That was the first time since I had moved to Chicago that I was open.
How did I go from today’s fears to last year’s hug?  Fear sucks.  Fear blocks us from getting good things.  I’m so thankful I didn’t let fear win then… and I refuse to let fear win now.  Whatever the outcome is… WHENever the outcome is… I know that God will be in it, and I trust that I will still have a community that loves and cares for me.

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