as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I got this picture in my mind this evening.  It was of me, but a bit younger (by a bit I mean like… when I was 8 ish).  I was laying in bed with chains as my blanket.  They were woven together tightly, almost like chain mail.  I pulled the blanket of chains up close to my chin and laid there frozen that it would get stripped away.  They covered and protected my nakedness and vulnerability.  I didn’t want Jesus to break my chains and take them away.  I didn’t trust Jesus to clothe and protect me.  I would say that is 100% right on.  I’ve made (and continue to make) huge strides in vulnerability and letting some people see parts of the real me.  But, to have everything stripped away, would be terrifying, cold, and so far out of the realm of my control that I just don’t think I can do it.  I wish I could say that I want to let go (or even want to want to let go), but I don’t.  I pretty much want to get a bigger blanket of chains.  I don’t care that it’s heavy and cold against my skin, it’s more comfortable than laying there naked, exposed, and vulnerable.


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