as I walk

the journey to becoming me

exhale

Yesterday was a much better day at church than I’ve had in quite some time.  Perhaps it’s because it was the youth band leading worship, perhaps it was because the 11:30 service is suddenly less crowded than the 9:30 so I felt that I had more space to deal (the why doesn’t really matter here).  So, going into tonight I figured that I would actually be able to enter into worship.  I figured I could actually sing (I haven’t done that since just before I went to North Korea).  So as things were starting… I couldn’t focus at all.  Well, that’s not true.  I was focused.  On one person.  Yeah.  My head was not in a pretty spot.  I tried to be “good” so I just tried to stare at the floor and get that image in my head instead.
I think now is a good time for a brief flashback.  My therapist asked me today (during my 45 minutes of trying to convince her that I’m totally okay) what cutting does for me – what I get out of it.  After some contemplation the best way I could describe it was an exhale.  Like, all this stress, frustration, angst, rage, anger, hurt, lust, general grossness gets released in that cut and it feels like an exhale (to be followed by massive amounts of shame and guilt).
Back to this evening – So I move against the wall as I usually do during worship and still stare at the floor.  I realized that I can’t go my entire life avoiding these feelings and thoughts.  I slouched down to the floor and had a… a…. an epiphany.  I’d estimate that 80% of the same-sex attraction that I’ve been dealing with is focused on one particular person.  I’ve made some inner vows regarding her – basically that no matter where I’m at in life and in this journey, if she were to initiate anything, I’d throw it all away for her.  Part of me thinks that it’s okay to think that way because she never would… … …  My soul has ached for this chick.  It’s so ugly to admit this stuff.
So, I’m sitting on the floor focused on her but trying not to and it hit me.  What I’m dealing with isn’t some super intense lust (though it manifests as such).  It’s idolatry.  I idolize her.  I want to be like her, with her, I want to be in her gaze.  I made a choice.  I acknowledged that I’ve put an idol before God.  I repented and renounced it as sin and prayed that I catch God’s gaze, that I crave His arms, His attention, His affections, that I desire Him, that my heart aches to be with Him, that no matter what is happening in my life, that I would drop all for Him.  At that moment, I exhaled.  It was the deepest, longest, most exquisite release I have ever experienced.  I sat there smiling and breathing out.

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