as I walk

the journey to becoming me

no gift receipt necessary

There’s only so much a gal can take.  Knowing that, I put off doing the reading for class tonight until just before I had to be there.  One of the more creative ways I procrastinated the reading was by reading an article on how not to procrastinate.  I also cleaned my room (though to the average observer it may appear to still need a major cleaning), organized my closet, folded underwear… you name it, I did it.  All because I thought I couldn’t handle the reading about gender identity/ insecurity.  Of course, reading is far easier than actually processing it or (hold on to your hats) doing something about it.
Tonight, it was said that the cross is a place of exchange.  I couldn’t get it out of my head.  During worship (the time that I clench my jaw and think about not thinking about worship) I kept thinking about this exchange.  Putting my hands in my pockets I realized that I had a knife in my pocket.  I went for it.  I went up to the cross.  I knelt.  I spoke to Jesus.  I laid the mini Swiss Army knife at the foot of the cross along with the razor blade that was in my shirt pocket.  I let go of these pieces of metal, these implements of shame and sin with the hope that what I’ll get in exchange will be better.
A little later in the evening, I exchanged some lies (that I’m not worthy of protection, that I have to take care of myself, that others can’t be trusted) that I managed to grab hold to when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade for the Truth that Jesus has protected me, will continue to protect me, that I am worthy of love, and that He is my Provider.  It’s going to be hard to walk in the Truth and push away the lies when they come up, but for tonight, I’m willing to give it a go.

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