as I walk

the journey to becoming me

cleansing enough

Okay… first off, I’m going to acknowledge that I have made some very poor decisions as of late.  I am using this as a forum to own up to said choices and in some way hold myself accountable to them.  Perhaps this is the coward’s way out (to avoid the awkward confrontations that I’m sure would be coming soon)… but I rather think of it as a bold choice in an attempt to pull me up from my boot straps… and I really hate awkward conversations.
So here it goes-
The first is that for the past several weeks (since being back from Korea) I’ve been smoking.  Yes, that’s right.  Only in times of major stress (usually about 3 on Mondays and when doing homework for Mondays).  I threw my cigarettes out on Monday and for the most part, it’s been fairly easy (granted, I haven’t done Monday’s homework yet).  Thursday was a rough day at work and I made a comment about wishing I hadn’t thrown them out, so someone left a cigarette and lighter at my work station.  I was about to give in and go for it… and the skies opened up and poured rain.  So… I did not give in.  I wanted to.  But I also didn’t want to be cold and wet.  That won out.
Before you are all aghast I know that it’s stupid for several reasons: health, finances, nieces, teens, smell, and I know there are other reasons… but those will be sufficient for now.  Ultimately though, none of those were the reasons that I threw them out.  I decided to be done with them because… well… I viewed myself as weak for needing them.  I hate being weak and needy… and the cigarettes were a huge symbol for me of that.
Next is… well… drinking.  So… remember how glad I was that I could have a beer and be done with it?  Yeah… so… I can… but… I haven’t wanted to for the past… well… since coming back from Korea.  In case you haven’t quite noticed, Mondays stress me out… and I have to think about and deal with a ton of stuff… and I don’t want to.  When I was a teen I used alcohol as a way to not have to think about the very same things… It worked then… but now… not so much.  Instead, all that it made me do was drink entirely too much last Saturday and spend five yes FIVE hours Sunday puking.  So… I’m cutting way back on alcohol… possibly entirely… I haven’t fully decided yet.  Whatever I wind up deciding, I’m giving my liver a rest for awhile.  Seriously… 5 hours… that can’t be good.
This next one I’m more ashamed of than the previous two… which doesn’t make total sense… but… I may as well come clean.  For probably a good 3 or 4 months now… I’ve been swearing.  I really don’t remember how, when, or why I started… but I did.  When I started following Jesus, it’s like, He had removed my filthy mouth and mind… I didn’t even think the swear words… and now here I am, a Christian for over 11 years… and I swear just like I did before (except I’m not usually malicious).  I try to not swear.  Every morning I wake up and think… today will be the day that I stop… and usually about 3 minutes later I swear for some reason or another.  The “f” word is typically always on my tongue- it really has a lot of uses- more than I had originally assumed.  I’m trying to tame my tongue- if only to sound less uneducated.  It is quite challenging… especially when I’m frustrated and/or angry (which as you may have gathered, is frequent as of late).
Yeah, so those are the external things.  The other stuff… well… maybe that will be another post at another time.  For now… this is cleansing enough.


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One thought on “cleansing enough

  1. Michelle on said:

    It is awesome that you were honest here. And remember that man is not your judge, God is. So if you are taking this to God, that is what matters. You know in your heart what is right and it seems you strive for it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just keep trying to better yourself. Love you.

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