as I walk

the journey to becoming me


Tonight during worship, the first song had the word “Deliverer” in it.  Something inside of me (Holy Spirit) was prompting me to look down at my tattoo.  I held my ground for another verse or two… but then I relented and looked at it.  That’s when I realized that God was actually noticing me.  That He hasn’t left me out to flounder, struggle, and be alone.  He does see me… not quite ready to say that He loves me… but He sees me.
My tattoo is in Hebrew – it says “The Deliverer”.  The broken chain is about all the things that God set me free from when I chose to follow Jesus.  I guess I forgot about that.  The next few songs all had to do with breaking chains and being set free… it was almost eerie how much it spoke to me.  I actually laughed when I saw the title “Break The Chains” (or something like that) to the next song.
Too often I’ve been crossing my arms and gritting my teeth trying to hold back a combination of resentment, hurt, and anger during worship.  When I look down, all I can see of my tattoo is the chain.  Tonight, I chose to turn my arms around so that I could see the broken spot – the place where God made a way for Him to work and to do His thing in my life.  By opening up my arms I was able to stop focusing on my short sided cesspool of sin, but finally, on the One who has the ability to cleanse me and set me free.

When I first came to Christ, everything seemed so easy.  He basically told me what I needed to do – and I did it.  I stopped being friends with some people (one chick in particular) who were not good for me.  I stopped dating, and I gave Jesus everything.  He in turn, took all the hard crazy crap of my life away.  It was almost instantaneous… magical if you will.
Not so this time.  This time, I think it’s about me enforcing that.  I think it’s about actually doing the hard work so that I won’t as easily fall into temptation.  I think I finally have some fight back in me.  It’s gonna suck.  A lot.  But I finally have a bit of hope.  I finally realize that God is WITH me in this.  It’s not that I’m sick and commanded to be well… but that I’m sick and He’s showing me how to be well.


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