as I walk

the journey to becoming me

given over

I read ahead.  I probably shouldn’t have done that.  It was just a week ahead.  I mean, I’d be reading it on Tuesday anyway… I just… I just had to see what it said.  It leaves me with more questions and grey areas than before.  I HATE grey.  I want black and white.  I want clear right and wrong with reasoning.  I spent the time reading looking for loopholes of which I may have found one.

Before I go into this loophole (which I’m not sure I even will discuss here, nor do I really think it’s that viable), let me say that it freaking sucks to read about how you oppose nature and creation and God got fed up with you and decided to just give up on you essentially.  I was thinking how much more awesome it would be to be a-sexual.  To just not give a rip.  But apparently that’s bad too.  I don’t like kids.  I don’t want to have kids.  So even if I didn’t have any issues/struggles… I would STILL be defying the natural plan of creation by not procreating.  Really?  So then why do I not have that maternal thing going on?  Why do I have ZERO desire for a white picket fence?  Why am I attracted to women?  Was I that bad of a kid that God gave up on me and took away those natural feelings and gave me over to this crap?

So last week I realized junk about my mother and why I have a tendency to gravitate towards chicks… but like… really?   If both of those things were true… then… My mom didn’t meet my needs and God got pissed at me (not to mention all the other crap I’ve dealt with).  Sounds like a raw deal.  I’m full of questions for God.  He doesn’t seem to want to answer them.  I’m getting ticked off again.  It was a good month that I wasn’t angry with God… but I also was just trying to focus on North Korea.  Now that that’s done, all I have to focus on is this.  This.  I don’t even like naming it.  Shame.  Fear.  Hatred. Frustration.  Welcome to a glimpse of me.  Even though that’s how I feel… I’m gonna stick with it… at least for the next 24 weeks.  At the risk of sounding like a brat – I’m giving God these 24 weeks to do something (whether it’s fixing me or softening me up enough to give more time).  I don’t consider this an ultimatum… just a time frame until I revisit and re-evaluate.  I just don’t know how long I can keep it up.


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One thought on “given over

  1. Michelle on said:

    I’m so sorry Marissa. 😦 I know these feelings all too well. You are doing the right things by blogging and letting them out. I truly pray you can find peace.

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