as I walk

the journey to becoming me

honest mess

I started a new phase in this process of mine tonight.  I’ve gotta say… it’s so going to suck.  Eventually… long-term, it will be worth it or that’s the plan anyway.  It’s the work that will be killer.  God made it abundantly clear to me that it will get messy (though I specifically prayed that it not be a messy process).
This fear of messiness (in so many forms) is making me pause and really ask myself some hard questions.  That’s another thing I’m not a big fan of – honesty.  Well, not regular honesty, I appreciate that.  What I don’t like is brutal honesty with myself.   I guess the big question (which I’ve been asked before, but skirted around the question) is… not so much, do I want the freedom – because that answer is definitely yes.  Rather, do I want freedom regardless of how it looks.  My idea of freedom could look completely different from God’s freedom for me.  Am I willing to go through all of this, relive and deal with past hurts and trauma… to come to a point that I might not be cool with?  Am I willing to do that, knowing that it takes away the hope of having a relationship with a woman (which I sadly long for)?  So much of what I feel my identity is – is wrapped up in this struggle.  I’ve dealt with this for over 50% of my life.  What/who will I be once I’m free?  Will I like me?  I hate myself most of the time now… so I guess I can only improve in that sense.
I’m not sure what my answers are.  There’s a good likelihood that I’m doing this because I know it’s the right thing to do… and I’m a sucker for doing what I feel I’m supposed to.  I guess it all comes down to – am I willing to give up the potential for a (most likely un-fulfilling void inspiring) relationship with (a non-existent as of yet) woman to gain the promise of a right relationship with God and the potential for a meaningful relationship with a man?  When I phrase it that way, the answer is yes.  Am I willing to see parts of my identity destroyed in order to see that promise?  This is not as firm of a yes… but I’m going to go for it anyway.
The fear of the pain and the mess feels like an elephant (okay, maybe just a really fat dog – but it’s still quite oppressive) sitting on my chest.  Did I mention that this is going to suck?

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