as I walk

the journey to becoming me

sucking and grace

This week I had a conversation that went like this:

D:  So, what are you- like what’s your religion?
Me: I’m Christian.
D: Are you like, evangelical?  Do you want to convert me?  Do you think I’m going to hell?
Me: If you asked me that last year, I’d have a different answer for you.
D: Do you hate me because I’m gay?
Me: (after glaring at D and shoving him) You KNOW I love you.
D: So…. what are you?
Me:  I’m a Christian… I just suck at it right now.
D: You seem good enough to me.

Looking back on this- I think what a wasted opportunity.  I mean, this guy was essentially asking me to tell him about Jesus.  I instead told him that following Jesus is hard and will stress you out and make you feel like crap.  Smooth.  Yet, what I’ve been reminded of today is that there’s grace.  I forgot grace long ago.  I would grant some to others, but… forgot that grace can be granted to me.  I felt the need to be a perfect Christian before I could follow Jesus.  I thought that I had to have my junk all cleaned up, my ducks in a row, and feel this immense love for Him before I could go back to him.
Today, I chose to walk in that extension of grace.  I was able to worship Jesus.  I was able to chill with Him and have communion with Him.  I was able to sit in a church service and not fidget, not think about exit routes… I guess, I was able to actually be there.
I know that it’s not doctrine… but I grew up really thinking that if you have any sin in your life and you take communion… that bad things will happen- death, hell, illness, poverty, etc.  I risked that today- because I missed being in a relationship with Jesus.  I missed that connection we once had.  I’ve been so focused on my crap that I’ve only paid attention to it- and when He would try to come in and help me- I felt so ashamed of that crap that I would shut Him out.  I didn’t want anyone to see it- especially Him.
I will most likely forget the grace that Jesus has to offer in the near future… so if ya don’t mind, remind me that it’s there every once in awhile.


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