as I walk

the journey to becoming me

snowfall

There is a chance (definitely) that I was a bit (super) overly negative last night.  I’m starting to open up to people at work about who I am and the junk that’s going on with me.  One person in particular gets me talking – she’s always asking crazy hardcore questions.  Anyway, I worked with her today and told her a bit of how I felt about the movie last night… my junk… struggles… etc.  The subject of longing and having a void came up.  She likened what I’m trying to do to a severely obese person that lost a ton of weight but realizes that they’re still unhappy and still feel like crap.  That is when it hit me.  I AM that person.  She didn’t know that I lost 100 pounds (by the way, that looks AWESOME in print).  I think though, that this is where I’m at.  Losing weight didn’t fill a void in my life.  If anything… it heightened it.  My weight has always been a big barrier.  It keeps people at arm’s length so there’s no need to deal with rejection.  There’s no need to even consider WHO I’d date… since being 300 pounds isn’t the most date-able quality.  So now that I’m so close to being a normal sized person… these things that I haven’t had to think about for a decade plus are beginning to creep up.  I’m pretty sure that this has nothing to do with my sexuality (though I know I have some gender issues)… I think this just goes back to past hurts and stuff that I went through that caused me to gain weight.  Focusing on being gay or not gay or whatever the junk I am seems easier to deal with than the root of my issues.  I have a mechanic’s brain.  I want to fix things.  So, I’ve created this problem that “needs fixing”- but I don’t know if it ever can be “fixed” – this way I always will have something to distract me from the real problem and the real pain… It’s a really really really messed up coping mechanism.
I don’t know, maybe I’ll have a different theory tomorrow.  But for now, I finally feel okay.  I don’t feel conflicted… I feel light and there’s a peace… that I haven’t felt in… years.  It almost is like that feeling of watching snow fall while holding a cup of coffee (or some other hot beverage).  Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel.

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