as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Kansas

A lesbian co-worker of mine with whom I foolishly shared my struggles recommended a documentary for me- “For the Bible Tells Me So”.
What the junk?  I… I feel just as confused as before.  Actually, watching the movie gave me a sense of longing – a desire for unconditional love and acceptance.  So now I just sit here, in turmoil.
All sides of the issue pretty much agree that having the desires… that’s not sinful.  Where sin comes to play is the acting on of those desires.  What constitutes “acting”?  Is it sex?  Is it a date?  Is it setting up a profile on a dating website?  Is it going for runs past a gay bar?  Is it just entertaining the thought of being with a chick?  Where is the line?  How much of me can I be before I go to hell?
I don’t think I had this much pain when I “dealt” with this the first time.  I guess that’s not true.  I thought about killing myself when someone said I was a “closet case”.  After I started coming to terms with it, I didn’t care who knew… just as long as my family didn’t.  I had some crazy fears that I’d be kicked out of the house.  As it turns out, that fear was right on the money.  My choices were to go to a Christian live in program/ministry out in Kansas (wow, worst website ever) to learn to not be gay; to try to find a friend that would take me in until I could figure something else out; or to live with my sister who would make me go to church every week.  I chose the sister route.  So, I guess I did have a lot of pain then… I just kept shoving it in a closet (so to speak).  I can’t believe I just let that stuff go.  I was his DAUGHTER… and his solution was to send me to some  brainwash camp?  He didn’t say he loved me.  He didn’t say he’d be there for me and that this would be good for me.  No.  He said that I had to go there or get out.  11 years down the line… and I’m just now feeling the weight of this.
Maybe it’s my dad’s fault that I’m so messed up with God now.  How many times have I mentioned hell lately (either in person or in writing)?  A lot.  It saturates my brain.  Hell is like Kansas (no offense if you’re from Kansas, I’m sure it’s a fine state with many good qualities… like… umm… wheat?).  Hell/Kansas is where I get sent for being… this way.  So in this struggle… I keep expecting God to look at me with disgust and give me the option of going to Kansas… or just getting out of His sight.

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One thought on “Kansas

  1. Michelle on said:

    Hugs friend.

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