as I walk

the journey to becoming me

the “right thing”

I’ve been trying to do the right things this week.  I mean, I owe it to God to do the right things.  He did His part.  He showed me He loved me (I’m still surprised as to how He pulled that off)- not once, but a few times throughout the week.  During a job interview He even threw some love my way.  He did what I asked of Him and a little bit more so.  So yeah… I owe it to God to do the right things.
The right things.  Who am I kidding?  I failed miserably as a Christian this week.  If Christianity were solely about actions – I’d be going to hell.  I’m not sure if that’s comforting or terrifying… but it is one of the two.  As a few people can attest – I have a tendency to see black or white.  There’s hardly any room for grey.   I’ll allow some grey for other people – I refer to that as “grace” usually.  I’ll try to find a third option for someone.  I can push past the “this or that” mindset if it helps someone – else.  But, thankfully, Christianity isn’t something that I lose one week and then have the opportunity to gain it back on Sunday.  No.  Christianity is a lifelong journey.  I just happen to be on a road with some crazy potholes… you’d think I was back in New England…
Maybe it’s just that I was more aware that I was failing this week than weeks past.  Maybe it’s because I actually felt His love that I realized that I did some things that He wasn’t cool with.  Maybe it isn’t even spiritual… maybe it’s all because I’ve been beyond frustrated with work and each week I come closer and closer to just leaving my keys and walking out.  No matter what the week held and my reactions to it… the fact remains… tomorrow is Sunday.  Tomorrow is church.  Part of me (the majority) is saying “it’s your ONLY day off… and your first day off in WEEKS… take it off… sleep in, go to the gym, and do NOTHING”.  The other part (the part that wants to do the “right thing”) is actually pretty silent except for an overwhelming sense of guilt when I think about not going.   I’ll wind up going… because I have a tendency to do the “right thing” over doing what I want.  Plus there’s also the fact that if I don’t go, then I won’t see people that I actually like for another week or so.  That doesn’t change the fact though, that I still don’t want to go.  I don’t want to sit there during communion thinking about how I actually used to be close to God and feel warm fuzzies… I don’t want to hear the lyrics to songs and start to feel bitter that all these other people can have a relationship with God and with other people (seemingly) effortlessly.  I do recall coming to a bit of… of… of a realization last Sunday… and since I have now resigned myself to going to church… I might as well try to manifest physically that realization.  I am going to… attempt… to worship.  Even if I feign it… maybe it can become truth… eventually.  Maybe I can finally start having for myself what I’ve been craving in someone else.  Maybe that desire that I’ve had hasn’t been for her, but rather for God.  Maybe by submitting myself and putting myself in a vulnerable position (with arms raised) there can be some shift.  Shift of attitude.  Shift of desire.  Shift of thinking.  Maybe for once, doing the “right thing” will actually be the right thing for me.

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