as I walk

the journey to becoming me


So… I have no clue what God’s love is supposed to look like.  I woke up this morning feeling dejected because I didn’t have a dream.  I thought He could give me a dream of Him hugging me or hanging out with me or something to show me He loved me.  That seemed like it would be easy and hard to misinterpret.  Makes total sense.  Didn’t happen.  As the day wore on, I felt more and more depressed.  Depressed doesn’t begin to cover it.  Is there a level between depressed and suicidal?  That’s kind of where I found myself.  It doesn’t make sense- I have a job interview tomorrow (that would not only allow me to quit the evil job, but quite possibly quit the coffee place- I might still do a night or a weekend here or there (gotta keep that discount going).  What I made in tips last week was what I needed to pay (in labor) to fix my car.  I got a steep discount on the part to fix my car (still crazy expensive, but at least my brakes were fine).  Technically speaking, things are going… well.  Yet I found myself in this agony.
A friend asked me what His love would look like to me.  She said Starbucks came to mind.  Not only is it provision (so I can pay my bills and get free coffee), but I also get loved on there.  I never thought of that as a way God showed He cared.  I guess I can kind of see it now.  The same friend also offered a ride which made me feel loved and cared for- but I attribute that to her not to God.  So, I’m in this pit trying to figure out why people would like me (all the while a co-worker is trying to get me to go to a counseling center for LGBT issues).  It became a little too much for me.  God still isn’t showing me anything… maybe this is it.  Maybe I should try to see what the world has to offer.
I started my walk to my car (was about a mile (ish) away at a repair shop) and… I saw something that I wanted.  He gave it to me… in a far more redeeming manner than I was going for… but I still got it.  At that moment I actually smiled.  I felt a sense of worth- which is something I haven’t felt in… I actually don’t remember when.  I felt loved.  What amazes me, is God knew when I woke up this morning how He was going to make me smile.

I guess now, that God “earned” His spot with me along this journey.  Again, I don’t know what that looks like, but I’m going to try to flesh it out and maybe just maybe, things will start to improve.


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2 thoughts on “loved

  1. Pingback: hug « baconsjourney

  2. Marissa,

    Reading this has acutally made my day! Sometimes I feel bad that I can’t do anything to help; even if it’s just being there. I do really hope that Chicago is in my near future, and not just because of you-know-who. Life hasn’t been the same since you moved.

    Love you!!

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