as I walk

the journey to becoming me

ok God

Ok God, let’s do this.

As you already know, I’m not your biggest fan right now.  I’ve been seeing you either as a jerk who won’t fix me, or as unable to fix me… which means that there’s no point in following you.  So that should explain the scoffing that I try to hide at church.  However it was eloquently explained to me this evening that there IS a third explanation (so eloquent that the printed word could not do it justice so I shall not quote it).  Granted, I’m not really sure what that magical option is… but I do believe that You do want me healed and whole and want what’s best for me.  I do believe that all this shit (is it okay to swear when talking to You?  Probably not… cuz it’s probably not okay to swear when not talking to You) all this stuff is to make me some kinda … Wonder Woman?  Did You do that or was that me?  Why is Wonder Woman in my head?  She’s come up before on this journey… Is this significant or am I just delaying talking to you in hopes that rambling about Wonder Woman will make it feel like we talked?
Anyway… So… in theory, You want what’s best for me.  You want me to be a whole person.   I want that too.  So… at least we agree on that.  I’ve seen friendships start for weirder reasons (bacon).  In my head, I know You love me.  I don’t have a clue what that even looks like.  I can look way back at the past and see the awesome things You’ve done in my life… but I don’t see (at least anything recently) how You love me.  All I’ve felt for the past few months was conviction, correction, and disappointment.  You should know how I’m wired (since You were the one doing it- which by the way… not so fantastic job in the sexuality department there)- I need freaking affection or I will wither away.  So… would You please love on me a bit?  Seriously.  I need to know that You love me and that You have a plan and that You will walk with me through this.  I don’t have a freaking ounce of strength left.  You can give me that.  Please, tell me You love me despite what I’ve said and done and thought this week and what I will say and do and think tomorrow.  I know I’m not worthy of love.  But if I don’t have it, then there really is no point… to anything.  A whisper, a dream, something… please… just show me some love.
This isn’t an ultimatum, because that’s not my style… but if You don’t, then there’s no point of going further.  If however You do throw a little love my way, then I’ll do my best to include You in this journey.  It started with You… if it weren’t for You, I’d be the same as I was a year ago and blissfully unaware of all this pain… so it only makes sense that it continues and (oh God hopefully) ends with You.
So that’s where I’m at with You… I’ll try to do this again sometime (and not be as whiny).

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