as I walk

the journey to becoming me



Okay, this is not the best thing to be thinking about while in church, but… this is what I was thinking about.  I’ve been working really hard on figuring out what exactly it is that draws me to her.  I’ve been trying to figure out when to figure out the circumstances.  I’ve been trying to figure out all those details to figure out how to stop it.  I want to be in a healthy friendship with her without thinking the things I think plus wondering if she knows.  I think that’s the worst of it.  It’s one thing for me to be all awkward around her- because let’s face it, I’m quite the awkward type of gal… but it’s another for HER to be awkward around me.  Double standard you say?  So what, it’s my head, I get to think the way I think (of course my thinking is mostly my problem… ).

I read an article that led to another that led to a website that led to another thing that led to something else (so basically I was online) and there was a chick who posed the question of how to know if she was straight, lesbian, bi, or “an abomination”.  Obviously the question drew me in.  Now- this was not from a Christian angle or the like at all… but I felt that there could still be some merit in the answer.  The few paragraphs could be eliminated and just answered with the first sentence:  “do you want to [sleep with] women?”  As crass and simplistic as that answer was… it seemed revelatory to me.  My answer isn’t as simple as the question itself, but it definitely has me thinking about things.

So much thinking that it’s what I was thinking about in church (really, not the best place to be thinking about sleeping with women… or is it?).  I took the next step to that question though- would I rather sleep with her or would I rather be like her?  That answer began to shed light on the previous question for me.  So now I’m wondering what I should do about my answer.  I have to do something- or else I’ll wind up staying in this painful pit of a rut.  Now, I’m not going to go all “Single White Female” on this chick- but I do think that I will attempt to emulate the things that I admire most about her.  Because that’s what this whole thing boils down to- she’s the person that I wish I could be- not who I want to sleep with (at least when thinking long term).  How did I get that so twisted?

Either therapy is finally starting to kick in for me and I’m getting this stuff, or this is one of those moments of hope that help to draw me out of the feeling of despair to only leave again making me feel even more screwed than I was before.   I really need it to be the former.  I had to do “homework” this week- I made lists of the things I loved and hated about my mom, dad, grandpa, and a neighbor friend (old guy).  It was kind of weird- as this is a couples therapy technique… but it did give some insight as to what it is that is drawing me to her.  I get it… mostly.   It’s rough though.  I’m looking at some stuff that I had blown off as not mattering or stuff that I wanted to forget and I see how it’s shaping the present- even though some of this stuff is from 20-25 years ago (let that be a lesson to you, if you’re dealing with crappy stuff and are young… DEAL with it now otherwise you’ll be a messed up 31 year old paying way too much for therapy and working 2 jobs to try to make ends meet and always wondering if it’s worth it).

Now up until this point, the only mention of God in all this is well… the fact that I was at church.  This is where things can get controversial (oh boy, talking about [sleeping with] a chick wasn’t?).  I’m still not really speaking to God.  I tried a couple times and just found myself pissed off and hurt and feeling abandoned (things that I generally don’t like to feel).  So I opted to just cut off communication (that will show Him).  That hasn’t done much good for me.  I hate going to church now.  It kills me that I don’t feel what all these other people are feeling.  I don’t believe what they believe (they sing about hope and goodness and I’m not in a place where I can even fathom that right now).  I feel like an outsider.  I go though, because I want to be able to see the few people that I consider friends.  I go because I work 15 hours a day and don’t get any real meaningful interactions other than (here’s your [insert beverage/car part]).  I go because I haven’t had a hug in almost a month.  Yet, I hate every minute of it.  I hate the worship, I hate communion (haven’t done that in… oh… 4 months).  I REALLY hate having to say hi to people around me.  Can’t they pick up on my body language that I don’t want to meet them?  I hate sitting there during the sermon thinking about how I’m not going to subject myself to this again and won’t go next week (but I keep going).  That’s where I’m at with God.  Amazingly enough, the thing that I most admire about this chick- is her relationship with God.  That’s what I need to emulate.  I’m wondering if I start “faking” it- if maybe it’ll start being real.  I don’t know if you’ve ever done this but… let me give you an example.  I told a lie that I had held a bird once.  I felt guilty about the lie- so rather than tell the truth… I worked hard at getting a wild bird in my hand.  When it finally happened it was so cool that I wanted to share the experience… but the problem was I had already shared the “fake” experience so it was a major let down… but then that lie became a fact so the guilt part of it went away…. Wait, where was I going with this?  Right- so if I can start at least faking worship… then maybe I can actually start to worship.  Of course, given that example it would be cheap and feel crappy.  Okay, maybe that’s not the answer.  So what is the answer?  How do I find wholeness?  How can I be like this person that I think is amazing (without it being totally weird, cheap, and creepy)?



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