as I walk

the journey to becoming me


I have some work to do.  I have to dive into my past.  I told MB that was stupid and “why would I want to do that?  The past sucked”.  Apparently, if I can figure out what it is that attracted me to this chick – then I can figure out what in my past that represents and some how magically turn it off (this is clearly my paraphrasing).
I don’t know how to do this.  Umm… she has hair.  Really?  Hair?  That’s all I can come up with?  Okay umm… let me try another way here.  When did it start?  Perhaps once I narrow down time frame, I can figure out the “trigger”.  Hmmm… I’d say winter.  Yup, that narrows it down to 4 months (Chicago weather… 5 months).  So… it was cold out.  Umm… okay, I think I have a bit more of a specific time narrowed down here.  I can mostly recall some events.  The only thing though that I can think of in my past that correlates to that was when I was 18 and got my heart ripped out by a chick named Amanda… but that doesn’t seem right… and it hasn’t magically turned off.
Next try… general friendliness of someone in a somewhat authoritative role?  I remember being in 2nd grade and having a crush (I know, that seems wicked early, but I remember it pretty clearly) on our student teacher.  I would miss the bus on purpose in hopes that she’d have to bring me home (such a weird kid).  Hmm… if that’s the case, then where did THAT one come from?  This feels like a never ending pattern.

I think this is like factoring trinomials.  It’s a bunch of educated guesses, plugging things into a theory, testing them out, trial and error of what feels like unlimited combinations and it is messy.
So let me pose the trinomial for us:
meV³+ samesexattractionV² + healingV
V(meV² +samesexattractionV + healing)
me= mex1; confusedxstraight; alonexgay…  healing= prayerxfaith; Godxmiracle; etc
so  V(meV +prayer) (1v + faith)
or V(confusedV + God) (straightV + miracle)

Yup, that’s how complicated and confusing it is right now (and it shows how I want a distraction from this, so I turned to algebra).
So back to figuring out what it was that sparked this.  I guess I kind of remember what it was that made me start being (slightly) drawn to her.  Pretty sure it was in December.  It started off so mildly that it really crept up on me and I didn’t really get what was happening.  It wasn’t until February or March that it intensified – became a focal point for me.  Looking back at that time… I think it was just her reaching out to me (clearly, as a friend), taking the time to care about me… and I twisted this thing that could have been a healthy friendship into something that causes anxiety and grief and shame.

This is normally the point that I’d stop, feel that I’ve made some progress, post this and feel like I’ve made a step towards healing… but I haven’t yet.  All I’ve done is open my eyes enough to realize that I have some work to do.  So… now for the super icky part.  Go into my past.  It’s not like I had a terrible childhood and every waking moment was filled with trauma – because that was not the case.  Yes, I had a terrible 3 years that I wouldn’t wish on anyone… but that leaves 15 other years that weren’t completely retched.  Anyway, this is where the trial and error comes in.  So, I’m going to look for an authoritative figure (that’s what I was told to look for) that cared about me but I crossed the signals… I think that’s what I’m supposed to look for anyway.  Well, obviously that 2nd grade student teacher… she must have taken some level of interest in me (though I can’t remember what she looks like, what her name was, or anything at all about her other than she was a student teacher) and I had to have misconstrued it as I would miss the bus in hopes of spending more time with her.
Okay.  Why did I feel the need to spend time with a teacher?  My parents were still married.  I’m pretty sure I got attention at home.  Or did I?  Most of my memories are with my sister and/or the tv.  My mom had a bad back and consequently spent the majority of her time in her hospital bed.  I don’t remember ever getting help with homework.  I do remember not doing homework often – and getting in trouble at school for it – I don’t remember if that had any impact on home life though.   I would eat spaghettios while watching gosh what was that show… A Family Affair (? Something like that) and doing some homework.  I’d do the stuff that I liked (spelling and math).  Hmm… maybe what I always thought was a crush was me wanting a mom who cared about my school work?  Wow, that definitely feels like I hit a nerve (currently crying… kind of weird).  I’m not quite sure what to do with this right now.  I don’t feel magically fixed- but I don’t feel like I was some weird same sex crazed 2nd grader any longer, so that’s a start.   Now, I suppose, I need to link it back to now- wait… this can’t be about my mom.  That’s insane.  I must have done the math wrong…


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