as I walk

the journey to becoming me


At the gym this morning, I realized something.  I am living two worlds.  I have one foot with Jesus and one… one not so much.  I’m not saying that I’m a good church girl by day and then some skank by night – in fact, I think I’m a good church girl by day and a better one by night – at least in appearances.  My gym playlist of all things made me realize this dichotomy.  I’m on the bike and “She Bop” by Cyndi Lauper came on (it took me a few years to realize what it was actually about).  Next in the line up was “When Everything Falls” by Haste the Day (an awesome guttural cry of “I will stand, I will stand when everything falls away I will fight this war forever or until I die”).  Okay – I saw some irony there.  Next song “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga.  Really?  Okay… yeah… I laughed.  I laughed because I realized that I am the one pumping myself full of confusion.  Here I am, struggling and fighting same-sex attraction and gender identity freaking crap and in my playlist are songs of masturbation, celebration of the LGBT lifestyle, and then some Jesus stuff.  Really?  Am I that stupid?  Was I that blind to it?  No wonder the Bible says that dark and light shouldn’t be together – it causes some really messed up… theology.  I’ve asked myself the past few days – what is so wrong about same-sex relationships?  I mean, I know the Bible says that it’s wrong – so that should be a good enough reason.  Let me backtrack for a moment.  I am the type that typically does not question.  At work, they tell me to do something, I do it.  Unless it will make me better at my job, I don’t need to know “why”.  He/She is my boss – they tell me to do something, I do it.  Simple.  I read really hard stuff in the Bible.  I go with it.  He’s God.  What He says goes.  I don’t need to understand creation and if it was 6 literal days or 6 ages that represented days or if there were dinosaurs or… blah blah blah.  I don’t need to know.  He’s God.  He did it.  Simple.  This though, this is one of the few things that I think about and question.  I hate questioning God – it makes me feel like a jerk and like I don’t trust Him.  I guess to some extent I don’t.  Not because I have a major issue with it being sin – because honestly, I don’t.  Rather, it’s because I’m still not fixed.  That’s why I have a hard time trusting Him.
Yesterday I had a really honest talk with a friend.  It was the most honest that I’ve been – I haven’t even opened up to my therapist like that.  It was hard.  It was embarrassing.  It made me feel super awkward afterwards – but she met me with love and that awkwardness that I feel is all on me.  She was totally cool with what I said.  I never think people will be fine – yet amazingly enough, they are.  I should really work on that (but that’s a subject for another time I suppose).  One of the things I said was that if this next step that I’m going to try to take – if it doesn’t work… then I’m done.  She asked an amazing question – “What does done look like?  What does that mean?”  For once when I said “I don’t know”- I actually meant it.  It just felt good to say – like it gave me some control, a bit of power.  Does it mean that I’d actually try to pursue a relationship?  Does it mean that I’d walk away from Jesus?  Or does it mean that I’d just retreat from the battle for a bit, get stitched up, rested, and head back into the battlefield with a bit better armor?  I can tell you that I don’t want to walk away from Jesus.  I love Him…. just kinda frustrated with Him right now.  I can also tell you that I do not want to pursue a relationship.  As lonely as I feel… I know that would just bring an even deeper sense of longing.  The only way I want to be “done”- is by being healed.  Walking in freedom.  Living out a redemptive miracle.  That’s what I desire.  I just said I’d be done out of frustration and being oh so tired.
At church there was a song that was gut wrenching.  Actually, almost all of worship is – because I’m just not “there”.  This song though in particular… it talked about scars and battle grounds… and I felt like that’s where I’m at.  In this battle… beaten up and scarred so badly that I’m disfigured… and the end of the battle is not in sight.  The chorus then when something like and I never once was alone… and that’s where the song cut me.   I feel alone.  I feel like I’ve been left for dead.  Ahhh, but perceptions are not reality.  As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been the cause of much of my confusion.  So, perhaps, if I start with a simple task of revamping my ipod – taking out the lies and putting in edifying (or at least innocuous) music… maybe just maybe… I can start to follow Truth again… maybe I can find a new weapon… maybe I can find some healing… maybe I can win this battle.


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