I slept last night. I slept really well. I’m not sure if it’s because I installed the window a/c unit (heavenly) or if it’s because I finally gave in and talked to God. I told Him everything that I’ve been thinking. It hasn’t changed how I feel, but I at least re-opened our dialog and will perhaps give an opportunity for Him to do something – or maybe open my eyes to see what He’s already doing.
I’ve been in this place… that… well… if I didn’t care so much about what people think or if I knew it wouldn’t screw up what few friendships I have… that I’d just give up. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling dirty and ugly. Maybe if I embraced it I could turn it into something beautiful (or at least tolerable). I’m pretty sure that thought is a lie from society/”the enemy”. Thankfully, I have too much fear to go back. I never thought fear would wind up as a good thing. Go figure.
I heard “How Soon Is Now” today and realized that song really explains how I feel. It describes me – empty, alone, and longing for connection. Maybe I feel that way because I lack a connection with God now.
Listening to sermons over and over again have a tendency to get monotonous. The things I’m struggling with though, give me no other option. It took listening to “Beauty” and “Taking the Land” 3 times for something to stick. How thick am I? How did I not recognize that the very stories told are mine? I’m finally remembering why I started on this process. I’m remembering “herem” (or however it’s spelled) and the conviction that I felt that night. I’m starting to see the things I’m going through as opportunities for hope to knock as opposed to cruelty. I’m starting to gain some perspective. I’m realizing that God moves in all phases of life – especially during those times that I’d like to have spiritual amnesia.
I haven’t talked to God since Monday night, but I decided to ask Him for something anyway. I asked Him to show me three things. Hope. Consequences. Reinforcements.
Hope. I need to see more hope. I need to see a glimpse of what a healthy life would look like. I need to have even if momentary, a feeling of freedom. I need to know that it WILL happen. I need to believe that it is possible. I need to see some freakin’ sunshine and ponies.
Consequences. I need to see the ugly side. I need to be reminded of what life could look like if I give up and give in. I need to see that that heartache is more than what I feel now. I need to know that it would be bad. I need to see the pain of sin to keep me away from it.
Reinforcements. In Kati’s sermon “Taking the Land”, she’s in Joshua and talking about the moment when the crazy (my adjective not her’s) sword drawn angel appears to Joshua. She talked about God sending in reinforcements when you’re in a battle. Sometimes they may be neutral, but they’re awesome back up. I need to see that I’m not on my own. I cannot do this alone.
So this is what I asked for. It doesn’t seem too extravagant. Maybe I’m asking for more than I need. Maybe. But at least I’m asking. I really doubt though that I’d be able to stay in this fight without these requests. Back in January, I was told that my Promised Land was coming. I want that land. I want to be free from these issues that surround my core identity, who I am. I want to be comfortable as a woman. That sounds so weird to say. Woman. 99.9% of the time I say “chick”… because woman sounds scary to me. Woman has so many connotations – old, feminine, someone who has kids (or wants to)… I’ve never identified with those attributes (sadly I’m starting to feel fairly connected with old), so I say chick. It may be semantics to you, but to me… I think it reveals a bit of my struggle. I’m not even comfortable with the words to describe who I am… how am I ever going to do this?