as I walk

the journey to becoming me

not quite a psalm

Dear God,
You may remember me from “deliverance”, “confession”, “oh crap”, “forgiveness”, and “bless this food”.  Yeah, it’s been awhile.  I wish I could say it’s just because I got busy, or things were going great… but really, it’s because I got pissed off at you.  I know that you’re God and can do whatever the hell you want… but I don’t get it… and I don’t like it.  It seemed like things were turning around in January, I started to actually own up to my issues and started to deal with them.  You gave me this glimpse of what life could be.  I was inspired by so many people and things.  I confessed my darkest sin and shared my deepest wound despite complete and total fear of vulnerability because you told me to.  I then shared publicly my struggles in an effort to be open – something I haven’t been in years… I started therapy to try to help the process because I was losing the battle.  Every morning that I wake up, a little more hope is gone.  I feel more broken than ever.  I feel unfixable.  Yeah, that’s where I am.
So why be angry with you?  I don’t want to be like this.  The church doesn’t want me like this.  My family doesn’t want me like this.  The Bible says you don’t want me like this.  So WHY am I still struggling?  Why can’t you just fix me?  I’ve been dealing with this my whole life.  It kind of makes me think that either you don’t want to see me free from this (which makes you a jerk), or you can’t (which makes you to be the kind of god that I’m not interested in).  The “church girl” in me says that there has to be a third explanation – like you’re really teaching me something amazing and this will further the kingdom and there will be sunshine and ponies at the end.
That’s why we haven’t been talking lately.
I hate not talking to you.  I hate the distance between us.  I hate hating you.  So, I’m trying to remember what inspired me to actually take action… to try to deal with my issues.  I listened to a few of the Greenhouse podcasts last night and this morning.  I remember you doing something in me during “Taking the Land”.  That’s when you gave me that hope.  That’s when I decided to finally expose who I was to others to let the healing begin.  As I listened to it this morning, the cynic in me scoffed and regretted ever taking action; but that faintest bit of hope that still has breath remembered the joy of catching sight of my promised land and remembered feeling the need to devote this part of me to you for destruction.  I’m such a fool.  Did I think that destruction would feel good and happy?
I guess what I’m getting at is… I’m still wicked screwed up.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever be free.  But, I’m sorry.  You are God, and I… I’m just dust.  I don’t have the right to question you.  I don’t have the whole picture.  I lack perspective.  I’m going to try to not be cynical.  I’m going to try to not get pissed at you.  I’m going to try to let you back into this process (that is totally failing without you).  I guess, if I were to ask something of you (other than fix me) it would be to help my unbelief.  That’s where I’m at.  It’s not so much that I doubt you or even your abilities… but I definitely doubt that it will happen.  I doubt that I can ever be free.  I doubt that I can have healthy relationships.  I doubt my endurance in this.  So yeah, help my unbelief, please come back into this process, and please, please  fix this broken person that used to be a life.

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