as I walk

the journey to becoming me

choices

I had another dream.  This time it’s set  in the future.  It started off at work (happy job).  Amy, the manager, was chatting with me and said she could think of 2 different people that she thinks I’d really hit it off with.  She asked if I was dating anyone and I answered that I haven’t been on a date since early 2000.  Obviously aghast, she asked if I would be interested.  Sensing my hesitation she explained that she wasn’t sure who I’d be more interested in and set 2 photos down on the counter.  One of the photos I honestly have no clue what he looked like… I think I remember dark hair, but that’s as close of a description as I can conjure up.  The other photo… was the unknown chick from the previous dream.  I found myself in a place that I had to make a choice.
I have never been so thankful to wake up before a dream finished.
I know what I should choose.  I know what I wish I were brave enough to choose.  I think I’ve been putting this off for years and it’s time for me to finally choose one and walk that choice out.  It’s getting  time that my actions meet my words and thoughts.  My actions for the past 11 years have been non-existent.  I haven’t dated.  I haven’t entertained a relationship.  I’ve done half way attempts at things like eharmony, but that’s about as far as that went.  My words have declared that I am only interested in men.  My thoughts… those… those… not so much.  I really thought that therapy would be making me better… but all it has done so far is peel back all of my facades and is revealing this nastiness inside of me.  I know this crap takes time, but I’m getting the feeling that time is not on my side with this.
Maybe this dream doesn’t mean anything and it’s just because I ate fish sticks too late last night.  Maybe I’m trying to find meaning in things that have none.  Maybe I want it to mean something that it doesn’t.  Maybe I’m crazy.  That’s a possibility.

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