as I walk

the journey to becoming me

10 minutes

As my wonderful room mates can attest – I spend oh, 95% of my time at home in my room.  I’m surprised they don’t think I’m a total recluse.  At least I leave the door open to show that it’s cool to talk – or we’ll chat in the kitchen some.  I’ve lived here since October that makes it 8 months and I JUST learned how to use the tv in the living room a few days ago.  Yeah.  So a few weeks ago my two best friends from out east (wow, that sounds so adult to say) came out here to visit.  We had a blast.  We were always going out.  I went out and tried new things and loved every minute of it (except for the first 3 minutes on the ferris wheel at Navy Pier when I was terrified).  It was great to go out.  I think I’m going to take that attitude and have that spill over into my everyday “normal” life.  I figure if I can go out till 1 or 2 am, I should feel crazy enough to spend some time in the… living room.  I know that I’m welcome there… I just… I don’t know what it is… I mean, I’ve got everything I need in my room – I have my comfy bed, a futon, heck, I’ve even got a coffee table.  Granted there’s only 1 outlet so I’ve got cords stretched across the room… but it works for me.    But does it?  I’ve written before about the need to put myself out there and to try to connect with people… and I just don’t.  In fact, I suck at it.  When people invite me – I say almost as a knee jerk reaction “no”.  Sometimes I make it sound nicer with a lame excuse… but almost always I say no.  I don’t really understand why – other than I’m a self saboteur.  I want that connection but freak out and run away (to my safe and comfy room).
The big wake up call for me was when my buddy slept on the couch one of the nights and I realized that by him doing so, he logged more living room hours than I had.   So, my goal is to spend some time in the living room – while people are home.  Crazy I know.  Granted, I write that as I’m in my room… and they’re out there.  This is something that I’ve been trying to work on since December.  Clearly, I haven’t fared so well with it yet.  So rather than having that ambiguous goal of “more time”- I should try something tangible that I can say in black or white terms if I did it or not…  but then again… that seems too mechanical… and the last thing I need is for it to feel even more awkward than it needs to be.  Why is this such a big deal?  The rest of the world doesn’t have a problem with it.  Okay fine.  I will try to spend like… 10 okay fine 15… no… 10 minutes out there tomorrow.

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One thought on “10 minutes

  1. We should have a movie night or something. You’re welcome to invite friends 🙂

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