as I walk

the journey to becoming me

algebra and bandaids

While in the middle of a conversation (via text) about well… it has nothing to do with it, but somehow algebra came up.  If you know me, you’re probably aware that I am in love with algebra.  Don’t care about other math- unless it’s geometry which I loathe (with a fiery passion).  I wasn’t always into math… well… that’s not entirely true.  Let me rephrase it- I wasn’t a math geek (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  When I was young- like… first grade young… my grandpa was a 4th grade math tutor.  I remember him visiting us and teaching me 4th grade math.  We’d do math for hours.  It didn’t feel like a chore because he was my grandpa.  When he saw I was getting tired of it, he’d take me on a walk and tell me about the trees (pretty sure he made some of it up but it was cool anyway).  Then after our walk, we’d go back in and do more math.  So I guess math always had a warm fuzzy feeling for me.   
As I’ve mentioned previously in my posts, highschool was not a healthy time in my life (I may refer to it as hell every now and then).  By the middle of my freshman year I had pretty much figured out how to deal with everything.  Cutting was at that time my most major outlet (I didn’t start drinking until the end of the year… or was it beginning of sophomore year…) for pain.  I had all this crap that I couldn’t talk to anyone about… and if I did they didn’t believe me… so it seemed logical that the way to deal with my emotional turmoil was to make it physical.  Cuts and bruises and broken toes heal over time.  You can put ice on them to make them numb and to heal faster or a bandaid to cover it up and keep more junk from infecting it.  That is what appealed to me- that I could take my mental crap, turn it physical, and then heal it.  It was a cathartic release for me.   (I’ve been told that there’s also some kind of endorphin release that makes it addictive as well.)  
So along comes algebra.  I took to this thing like a… something that takes to something naturally uhh… fat kid to cake… fish to water… yeah, that’s less offensive (but not quite as accurate).  What I loved about it is it was simply 4th grade math- but with logic and moving stuff around.  I found myself doodling algebraic equations when I was bored (not gonna lie, still do that from time to time).  It just was so comforting to me.  I would look at this jumble of numbers and letters and see chaos.  I saw something that appeared to be hopeless.  Then I’d just move stuff around, deal with one thing at a time, and eventually I’d see the answer.  That’s what I needed.  I needed this chaos of my life to be shifted around, my issues to be dealt with and then to see an answer.  That never happened.  But every math problem I did was a bit of a release.   


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