as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Revisited

Fair warning: This one is not sugar coated- not necessarily recommended reading.

Back several months ago- what started this whole journey of mine, someone prayed over me that my “Promised Land is coming”.  I didn’t even know what that was.  I had to pray about it and take some pretty big steps to even find out what it was.  Now here I am months later feeling like I’m wandering in the desert.  I’m trying to to complain and grumble as the Israelites did.  I’m trying to recognize that God is providing for me and guiding me, but the desert sucks.  
I wonder- if the Israelites had therapists, would they have been to the Promised Land in just a few years or would it have been even longer- but they’d be “okay with that”?  
This journey through the desert (with a therapist) gives me a few different emotions/feelings.  A sense of pride- that I’m actually working on my crap.  A sense of hope- that maybe this is possible (though this is the smallest feeling).  Frustration- why aren’t I better yet?  Can we ignore my inner child and just make me straight?!?!?  What does my desire to work up to the “right hand man” position at every job (and by the way succeeding) have to do with me wanting to have sex with women?  So yes, frustration is definitely a key feeling.  Skepticism- My first session she made it seem like this was do-able, but here we are 2 months later and in the back of my mind I think she’s just trying to take my money (of which I have none).  
So how is it helping?  Well, it is forcing me to actually look at my life- all of it.  Making me think about it- and she helps me realize how much I over react to things.  Today she said I’m like a teenager who can’t control my body (puke when nervous)- that I take shelter in an underdeveloped portion of my brain.  Hearing that did not exactly put pep in my step.  She seems to enjoy destroying my Tuesdays.  Then again, I yell at her and tell her she sucks (gosh, I really am a teenager).  So, I guess that makes us even.    
There are so many things that I should say while in session- but I don’t.  It feels scary, ugly, dirty, all around bad.  I don’t like the feeling of not controlling what I say and when.  Yet week after week it’s direct confrontation (as it should be, I realize) and to avoid it- I have a tendency to say “I don’t know” to the really… deep/awkward questions.  The truth is that I almost always know the answer to her questions.  She probably knows that too.  She’s good.  It just feels safer to write down all these thoughts and feelings than it does to actually speak my shit out loud to her.  
My sister “tweeted” a quote by Emerson- “A man is what he thinks about all day long.”  If that’s true, then I could be defined as sin, an abomination, and gay.  How lovely.  I don’t want that to be the case though- either who I am has nothing to do with what/who I think about OR I don’t want to think about those things/people.  Either way works for me (the latter would be better of course).  
I know that is what I want- to be free of all this.  That’s one of the main reasons that I’m taking a second job- so I can pay for my therapy.  I need to get better- I’m tired of wondering what I actually would do if confronted with the opportunity.  I’d like to think I’d say no… then again, the other part of me would love to say yes- and then blame it on the other person for initiating it, or if I had a beer- it would be super easy to blame it on alcohol… either way, I’d keep the blame off of me (the person who said yes).  Wait, that sounds wicked familiar… Dang it- I’d be Eve in that scenario and unknown female would be the snake.  Yeah, that didn’t work out so well for Eve… doubt it would for me either.
 So to sum up:  I’m an Israelite, a teenager, Eve, frustrated, skeptical, proud, feeling hopeful and hopelessly gay.  Wonderful.  

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