Fair warning: This one is not sugar coated- not necessarily recommended reading.
There are so many things that I should say while in session- but I don’t. It feels scary, ugly, dirty, all around bad. I don’t like the feeling of not controlling what I say and when. Yet week after week it’s direct confrontation (as it should be, I realize) and to avoid it- I have a tendency to say “I don’t know” to the really… deep/awkward questions. The truth is that I almost always know the answer to her questions. She probably knows that too. She’s good. It just feels safer to write down all these thoughts and feelings than it does to actually speak my shit out loud to her.
My sister “tweeted” a quote by Emerson- “A man is what he thinks about all day long.” If that’s true, then I could be defined as sin, an abomination, and gay. How lovely. I don’t want that to be the case though- either who I am has nothing to do with what/who I think about OR I don’t want to think about those things/people. Either way works for me (the latter would be better of course).
I know that is what I want- to be free of all this. That’s one of the main reasons that I’m taking a second job- so I can pay for my therapy. I need to get better- I’m tired of wondering what I actually would do if confronted with the opportunity. I’d like to think I’d say no… then again, the other part of me would love to say yes- and then blame it on the other person for initiating it, or if I had a beer- it would be super easy to blame it on alcohol… either way, I’d keep the blame off of me (the person who said yes). Wait, that sounds wicked familiar… Dang it- I’d be Eve in that scenario and unknown female would be the snake. Yeah, that didn’t work out so well for Eve… doubt it would for me either.
So to sum up: I’m an Israelite, a teenager, Eve, frustrated, skeptical, proud, feeling hopeful and hopelessly gay. Wonderful.