as I walk

the journey to becoming me

fulcrum

There are times when I have these amazing breakthroughs- these moments of clarity… but the rest of the time, I feel a bit like a failure.  I mean, how many times does God have to to reveal the same crap to me?  How many times do I take it in, write about it, and quickly forget about it and find myself worse off than before?  I’m just so sick of this place I’m in.  The best way I can describe this “place” is at the center of a teeter totter.  I’m there trying to balance and my weight shifts and I start dropping so then I shift it back over and I go too far and then I have to re-shift… it’s tiring and it’s getting me nowhere.  That is how it feels.  I don’t really think that’s the reality of it- but it feels real.  

 I’ve been focused (therapist would say that I obsess- but that’s too… accurate) on someone that I shouldn’t be in a way I shouldn’t be.  I’m aware that it’s wrong.  I get that.  That’s why I have a therapist.  I’ve had these epiphanies as to the “why”.  That helps for a few days… sometimes weeks… but it just keeps coming back.  

So, last week my best friends were in town and I got to have crazy deep talks with them.  Steph kept assuring me of her unconditional love for me (while laughing at me and my “focus” of course).   I was almost scared that I would take that as a license to… well… pursue something super unhealthy for me- knowing that even if I ruined my life, I’d still have my “B”.  Honestly, I would like to (not the ruining life part- though I’m quite sure that would come with the territory).  I’m not going to.  I’m way too much of a wuss to do that.  For once, fear is good for me.  I’m not proud of it- but that’s where I’ve been and that’s where I am.  I’ve been trying to deal with it as best I can- I’ve been running/working out, trying to stay busy, going out and trying to have a good time to ignore it, and then there have been times when I didn’t even want to bother fighting it.  Not gonna lie- not all of my methods are good. 

This singular focus- has been slowly waning, but this weekend it just… was… done.  That’s not to say that I don’t still have the same major underlying issue (which I’m sure is because of some other issue and I’ll be in therapy for freaking ever)- but the figurehead of it is gone.   I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared that another one will pop up.  At least though, I’m prepared- I know that it’s a possibility and can be on guard.  When this originally happened- I was completely clueless/blindsided/oblivious.  I didn’t even realize what was happening (hence the oblivious/blindsided/clueless descriptor) until I was in the thick of it and it felt too late.  

Where am I going with this?  I don’t even know.  All I know, is if my back didn’t hurt, I’d be going for a run right about now- to clear my head… and you’ve got to admit… running away from my issues sure seems appealing. 

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