as I walk

the journey to becoming me

Tuesdays

I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a good five minutes or so (actually, it was over 7 minutes because I listened to Champagne Supernova during that time).  I’ve been going to therapy the past few weeks- and have been able to dump alot of my crap- but in that process, more junk kind of… comes up and it brews in me until the next week when I can deal with that.  I started going for one specific issue- those of you who read this on a fairly regular basis should be well familiar with that struggle.  We talked about that issue the first session- but she’s not content to deal with that alone, because something else will pop up in its place until I deal with the root of it.  This chick is a Christian and always asks how I’m doing with God.  She also asks some insanely hard questions.  Questions that make me respond with “You suck” or “What the frig??”.  How are those for answers?  Part of me though, is curious how she even thinks to ask those kinds of questions.  

She had me write out my autobiography.  I was shocked at the things that I remembered.  Seriously- I thought I only had a few memories until middle school- and even that was hazy.  As I was writing, I saw patterns of behavior, I saw common threads woven throughout every phase of my life.  Of course, I also remembered stupid stuff- like sitting at my grandparents’ table for hours because I didn’t want to eat green beans (still don’t care for them).  Today we talked about two things- 4th grade and one of those common threads.  Oh my gosh.  It so sucked.  I’m not sure what part was worse- having to be honest with her or myself.  Not a big fan of either.  I lied to her.  Every week I wind up lying in some form.  It’s not like I’m trying to deceive her… it just comes out before I even realize it.  The difference though, is that this week I emailed her and told her I lied.  Yuck.  Freaking honesty and growth.  

So, if I seem “off” on Tuesdays- I am.  I wake up dreading Tuesdays and end up being really… umm… not pleasant at work (I did something I was terribly not proud of last week…).  I actually had switched days off this week so I had today off.  Having a few hours afterwards to process before encountering people is really helpful.  I recharge by being alone to begin with… so I need extra recharge time on Tuesdays.  I’m not trying to make it seem like the sessions are terrible- they’re really good… it’s just painful… and I need alone time to deal with it (a 45 minute car ride isn’t quite enough).

I wasn’t sure if I would share this part of my journey, but a big part of what I deal with is shame.  The best way to keep shame at bay is to be open and honest so it can’t root.  I’m not ashamed that I’m enlisting professional help to deal with my junk.  If anything it’s only from the fact that I let it get so bad that I needed to seek a pro.  We all have junk- some not as stigmatized as others- but we’ve all got it and I’m choosing to finally deal with it.

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