as I walk

the journey to becoming me

is it dreamed or dreamt?

I had a dream last night- I spent all morning and most of the afternoon trying to ignore it.  It was just so freakin’ real.  Even now, just remembering it, my heart is beating a little faster.  Not in a good way.  In my dream I ran into the only people on earth that I never want to see or hear from again.  Don’t get me wrong- I do not wish them harm or death, my life has no place for them other than sporadically praying for them (which often times takes strength).  

I think what surprises me most, is that I’m in the middle of dealing with a huge issue right now… and my brain at night decides to freak out and dream about them.  Not even when I’m sleeping do I get rest.  This is part of the reason that I’ve been working out as much as I have.  Working out helps me focus on my body and not think.  Not thinking is nice.  I started drinking way back when I was 13 to help me not think (about these people actually)… if only I had discovered working out then- I’d be hot!   

I’m just out of sorts… I don’t even want to go to Greenhouse.  I love Greenhouse, but I don’t want to go- my stomach is all knotted up thinking about it.  I had finally gotten to a point where I felt that I connected with God- tangibly… and the past couple weeks I’ve felt like I’ve been wearing a lead lined helmet that keeps my prayers from ascending.  So going to Greenhouse, it’s more like a reminder that there’s nothing there right now.  It feels like a failure.  Then again, not going also feels like a failure- especially on the few Sundays that I have off.

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I went.  Walking in, I made a straight shot for the bathroom, because I was about to throw up.  I was so nervous and worked up about everything that if I had remembered to eat food today- it would have made a hasty exit.  I sat down and actually thought I was playing it off rather well… until a few people mentioned my fidgetinessocity (my (not real) word, not theirs).  I have this idea that I’m a window- that people can actually see and know what’s going on in my brain.  That they can see all my failings and dirt.  This has a tendency to get me all worked up and tense.  I also think though, that I can fool them by saying that I’m fine.  Neither thought makes sense.  

I love hearing Kati preach.  But today, if I had driven myself, I would have walked in then walked right out.  I just couldn’t do it.  Here’s tid bit- I don’t have a clue what was preached about.  I heard the words “circumcision”, “Uganda”, “Paul”, umm… yeah, that’s all I got.  I sat in a corner during worship doing my best to not think, to not be seen, to not be called out.  I’ll spare the play by play of what went down, but I’m feeling a little bit of peace… 

Afterwards, I went for a walk that turned into a run.  Everytime my mind started wandering I broke out into a run.  I think I might need another way of dealing with… this- otherwise I’ll wind up puking or spraining an ankle or something…  (hmm… as I recall, those were the same side effects as when I was drinking).   Don’t worry, my new plan isn’t to drink- I’ve actually turned alcohol down a few times this week just because I know I’m not in a good headspace and I don’t need to add more problems to my problems.  

So here I am, wondering if I’ve truly forgiven these people that I dreamed about.  If just a dream can illicit such a reaction… what would happen if I actually came across them?  I was asked that a few months ago.  I assumed that I’d cry and run away.  Though I am getting quite adept at running, I think today… I’d throw some punches.  How dare they enter my dreams?  It felt violating.  

Where does all this leave me?  Still frustrated and “conflicted”, sore muscles, but loved by friends and family.  I’ll muddle my way out of this and get back to being the woman God created me to be.  

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