my freaking brain
My brain has one of three different thoughts in my head at all times (occasionally it will be a combination or even all three at once): September Trip to North Korea; Work/Finances; Sexual Identity.
I know most of you (though excited for me) don’t want to hear more about the trip this evening. Let’s face it- writing about how inappropriate my employer and fellow co-workers are may make you feel better about where you work, but tends to turn into a big vent session, and I am trying to rise above that (this week). So that leaves us with thought #3.
My evening of confession and writing about my challenges on this has really helped to channel those thoughts and take them captive (somewhat). The truth is that I try to pretend that since then it’s so much better. I focus on the clothing thing- because that is tangible. I’m starting to feel more and more comfortable with women’s shirts (granted I have 4 shirts that are all pretty much the same, just different patterns). I have a pair of chick’s cargo pants now. When I’m not at work (ie: not wearing my uniform), there is evidence that I am growing in this area.
Behind this outward progress lies this still messed up thought life. I try to pretend that it’s all good. I don’t want to come across as weak (not winning this struggle would be weak). I don’t want to come off as needy. I want to be a Christian who has it together. I want to be an “over-comer”. The truth is that I have had moments of breakthrough and clarity, but those moments are few and far between the times of attraction and… lust. I know, I have the intellectual assent that God told me I’m not gay. He even explained to me exactly WHY I have the feelings that I do (I’m pretty sure He likes me, because I don’t think He does that for everyone… just sayin’…). It still comes at me. Sometimes I’m able to shake it off. Other times…
Jennifer Knapp. She was one of my favorite Christian musicians (favorite female singer Christian or not). I peed in the stall next to hers once (okay fine, she peed next to mine- I had stage fright knowing it was her). Wow, you so didn’t need to know that. So, her first album went to the top of the charts as did her second. Then… then she disappeared. She went on sabbatical- but it was about 7 years. She then released a new album… but before that album came out- she did. I downloaded the album (possibly mistake #1). Musically, it’s fantastic. Lyrically- she’s singing things that… stir things that should not be stirred. The song Fallen sucked me in with the piano (that she hasn’t had in her songs before). “Even though they say we have fallen, doesn’t mean that I won’t do it twice. Given every second chance, I’d choose again to be with you tonight.” It’s this beautiful love song… but I know what it’s about and I shouldn’t listen to it… because I have a wandering mind.
It’s not the physical thing that gets me- it really isn’t. It’s an emotional attraction. I don’t know if I can even write it in a way so that you can understand. The best I can do is to attempt an example. A few weeks ago at work one of my regular customers called to order a part- she began to flirt a bit. I’ve seen her in person and even when I was actively dating chicks, she wouldn’t have been my type- believe me when I say that I am not attracted to her- yet I flirted back. Why? Not out of attraction- but … as twisted as this may sound- so that I could prove that I was over this crap if she asked me out. Well, that’s what I told myself. What I really think it was- was a longing. A longing for someone who would write or sing (though that’s kind of weird) that line from “Fallen” to me, it’s that feeling of being completely wanted.
You might be thinking- why can’t she get that from a guy? You should be- I sure am. Sadly though, I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve never experienced it, maybe because guys aren’t great at letting out their feelings so even if I did experience it, I wouldn’t “get it”? Sheer speculation.
I’ve been toying with the idea of therapy. I’ve also been kicking myself for not doing Living Waters. I had heard about it last year and really thought about going… but I was so stinking prideful at the time… or maybe I wasn’t ready… I don’t know. What I do know, is something’s got to give. I’m tired of my brain. I’m tired of a thought life that embarrasses me in front of God.
So why am I sharing all of this? Because it’s on my mind? Not really. Because God gave me some epiphany and I know that it’s all going to work out? Definitely not. Have you ever been stuck doing something wrong- and you “mess up” and someone finds out because of an “accidental” clue? You want to be found out- you want to be called out on your behavior. It may sort of… suck… but someone confronting you about is so much easier than having to either be stuck in it forever or having to pull yourself out on your own. I know I can’t do this on my own. I also know that I’d have to leave some really weird clues out for people to call me on this stuff- and uhh… yeah, awkward. So, I guess this is me calling out for help. Honestly, no idea how you could help. Sure, there’s the age old “pray”. I don’t mean to belittle prayer. Prayer moves mountains- it just is a catch all answer. I guess if we have a close enough friendship (not sure what constitutes close enough) you could ask me hard questions or at least keep loving on me despite my obvious failures.
I think the first step I need to take is to delete the new Jennifer Knapp from my music collection. Okay, I did it. Well, first I just unchecked it in my library… then I felt guilty about that and deleted it. It may not do much of anything, but it at least is a step in the right direction.